Biggest, Looser, Good

With all the musings on here regarding the Jersey Shore I think it is time to turn your attention to the 476 pound behemoth I just found on Television. No really Shay, is 476 pounds and finds that "it is extremely difficult to live." She is on the biggest looser. Now if that isn't real television than Gleaming the Cube shouldn't have gotten an Oscar. I, like many TRUE Americans, decided that after a long day at work I could only hope to come home, kick up my feet, microwave some fish sticks, and stare at some grotesque and glutenous human beings, then clap and scream for no apparent reason while they loose weight -very very slowly. While I was really upset that I have yet to come home to the amusement of watching old people age over several months in some kind of fierce competition for free elderly care, I remain in awe that this blog has overlooked some of this programs finer points, instead choosing to watch the beautiful, intellectual, and morally sound musings of New Jersey's finest.

A few things may confuse you about The Biggest Looser and I would like to clarify for you some important details. First, you may ask, why is the studio audience screaming at the top of their lungs when they bring a fat person out? Are they scared? Listen, you can't possibly be excited that a fat person just showed up unless the audience is made up entirely of restaurant owners. So to clarify, everyone from the third row back is confused by the contestants in their large white billowing T-shirts, thinking they have just won sail boats on an Opera give away. Well, what about the rest of the audience? The remaining audience members are made up of famished West Africans who are excited that this person clearly knows where to lead them to extensive food stuffs. Why, of all the colors, did one team get stuck in brown? You may think they look like a pair of Jaba the Huts. Ridiculous. Brown is the proudest color of Fat people. For those of you unfamiliar, fat people like to roll in mud. It is a side effect of excessive pop tart consumption. Brown is the color of champions in the fat world. I will say this much, my hands hurt from clapping........and hopefully yours will to. While my mouth keeps chanting, "go be fat somewhere else," my hands just keep clapping away. So much so that I may never surf to the Jersey Shore again......