Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Great Cage Flicks #1



ADAPTATION

If you're looking for something a little off the beaten path, like a more polished version of a Wes Anderson film- especially without all of his tired flourishes- look no further than this classic Nic Cage film.

Directed by Spike Jonze, who made the the music video "Sabotage" for the Beastie Boys, the viewer is in for a treat as Nic Cage plays both the main character Charlie, and his twin brother, Donald. The movie is a little bit of a twister, as it's basically the story of a guy hired to write a movie about a book called The Orchid Thief. The guy, Charlie Kaufman, (who wrote the movie, as well as Being John Malkovich and some other movies people have told you are awesome but just couldn't be bothered to see) couldn't come up with anything, so he invented a brother for himself, pretended they both wrote the movie together, and just made a movie about the difficulties with trying to make a movie.

The movie is wild, hysterical, and, if you get tired of whiny, depressed Nic Cage, his brother is the cool, smooth-talking Nic Cage!

After the success of this film, Nic Cage began to look for other opportunities to play dual roles in films. Unfortunately, one of those ideas, while promising, never got off the ground. I have unearthed a rare promotional poster for the film, which did not drum up the interest many hoped. Perhaps, someday, we may be blessed with this artistic vision of a possible masterpiece.



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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

What Could Have Been...



Some people like to criticize Nicolas Cage for doing too many movies, but to me, it's the movies that he doesn't do that really steams my crawdaddy.

I don't think I've even seen one of the Superman movies, but that image alone is enough to get me excited. The guy named his son Kal-El, Superman's alien name, so you know he cares about this stuff. Instead, we have to suffer with guys like Tobey Maguire, when everyone knows that Nic Cage could have really done the part right.

And now that they're attempting to reboot the reboot, because the first reboot that came out a few years ago sucked (kind of like the two Hulks) I say it's time to consider Nic Cage again for the role. Here is an artist's mock-up, if they wanted to go down the road of the gritty, darker superhero movie that seems to be so popular these days.


It's unfortunate that Tim Burton wants to waste all of our time with fake kid's movie remakes, when he could be
doing groundbreaking stuff like this.

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Monday, June 28, 2010

Nic Cage as Everyone


Oh no, we ain't done!

It's Nic Cage Week at the Blumpkin Spot!

In honor of my favorite actor, Nicolas Cage, I thought I would present a great website dedicated to his glory.


In addition, I have decided to do a sports-themed one, featuring our hero as a great America hero of this year's World Cup, Landon Donovan.




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Boat Launch 2

Now that we have had enough fun with the Nic Cage debate, I thought I might lighten things up with another Borno family boat launch...

this time it is a video on how to get your jet ski out at the end of a long day. Cheers!



P.S for those Bang n Go Back followers out there. See you Sunday at 4.....
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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Summer Blockbuster

With a new Nick Cage movie on it's way, sorcerer's apprentice, I am eagerly awaiting a review from one BRM writer.

For those new to BRM, please realize that Dutch masters has an unhealthy love of all things cage.

In fact, the best way for me to illustrate this love is by attaching the following video. Please think of Dutch masters as the Frog and Nick Cage as the monkey. hope this helps....

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

South American Dominance, African Disappointment, and European Embarrassment


The World Cup. Ahhh.... heroin for some... a Tylenol PM, Xanax and Ambien cocktail for Stephen Colbert and most Americans.


Skip to 2:48 of the link for the Colbert's soccer views or watch the whole clip and observe the transition he makes between MJ's Hitler-esque stash to the World Cup with the line, "Speaking of crimes against humanity." Hilarious, satirical, tongue-in-cheek, hauntingly accurate.

Whether you are a compulsive addict, a casual observer, or Stephen Colbert, this is the break-down. Take it or leave it.

First of all, god bless Alexi Lalas. There was a beautiful moment shortly after the conclusion of the England-Algeria match during the post-game analysis when Alexi Lalas was asked his opinion regarding Egland's poor performance thus far in the cup. With English fellow analyst Steve McManaman so dejected that he could do nothing but slump his face to the ESPN desk and sulk, Lalas shrugged and responded promptly with a blunt, "They're just not that good." Priceless. Especially considering the brash and condescending assumption of the entire British empire that they epitomize soccer excellence above all other nations.

Apart from the Dutch, who have passed their way around the overmatched Danish and the puny, metrosexual trickery of the Japanese, Europe's major powerhouses have been exploited and flat out embarrassed thus far. From the timid impotence of English nerves, to the effeminate soap-opera castoffs that comprise the Portuguese line-up , to the completely washed-up nature of the timeless immorality and utterly shameless deceptive tactics of the aging Italian cheaters, to the pathetic comedy routine that has become the performance of the self-destructive megalomaniacs of France. Seriously France, you showed more heart in the opening stages of World War II. With Spain and Germany each losing 0-1 to the Swiss and the Serbs respectively, the Dutch endure as the only major European powerhouse to not offer supremely disappointing efforts . Incidentally, Daniele De Rossi, if you had a soul or any semblance of respect for yourself as a man (or if the officials had not begun to ooze incompetency over the last couple days), New Zealand would have defeated the reigning Italian champions today.

Overall, bounce-back performances are virtually guaranteed from the likes of England, Spain, and Germany. Portugal has a tough road ahead but they are dangerous nonetheless (no matter how spectacularly the epitomize every negative stereotype surrounding the beautiful game). Italy and France... please. The Italian approach to victory is a virus, currently heavily infecting the likes of Portugal and Japan (among several others), and a bevy of assorted individual footballers (from almost every nation) who have decided to turn in their man card. If anyone saw Kaka's second yellow card against the Ivory Coast you know what I'm talking about. Whatever, the bottom line is the fantastic ecstasy of watching these pretentious rapists of soccer integrity finally suffer and struggle.

Africa is a whole different enchilada. In the soccer world we treat African ineptitude as Giants fans treated Barry Zito during his first few seasons in San Fran. The timeless parental reaction of 'we're not angry with you, we're just disappointed.' The target is too easy. At this point we're all just kind of pulling for them out of pity. So far they've notched just one victory in Ghana's 1-0 win over Serbia, scoring on a penalty kick. In fact, besides Siphiwe Tshabalala's spectacular strike in South Africa's opener against Mexico.


Ghana's penalty conversion was the only goal scored by any of the 6 African teams in the opening round. Thus far in the second round-robin match-ups, Nigeria lost its cool and received a red card (yeah, the victim earned an oscar for his reaction to non-contact encounter, but the Nigerian is beyond brain-dead to make the confrontation). In South Africa's second match, their goalie (Khune) became only the second keeper in World Cup history to be shown red. These are cardinal sin mistakes that make winning almost impossible.

For the Africans, the bigger picture goes beyond these particularly flagrant blunders. It's not two senseless plays, its the total lack of commitment to intellectual tactics that allows such physically dominant and talented players to be made fools of. It's embarrassing. We all want so much for them to succeed, but their story is a metronome of broken records. Their tactics are juvenile. Their touch is unpracticed. Their decisions on the ball are dumbfounding. Passing and trapping are constant struggles. Let us have sympathy for these men. When the Dutch move the ball, it never leaves the ground unless necessary. African passes are bouncing all over the place. African first touches (aka traps) seep to surprise the players as if they have no control over its direction and have to react instead of dictate control.

This is soccer 101. This is little league stuff. Besides Drogba, Eto'o and Tshabalala's 'Angels in the Outfield' miracle strike, every single African player has flat out soiled their sheets when they find themselves anywhere near the goal. I've seen bundles of 35-40 yard attempts, irrelevant crosses that sail out of play, and single attackers attempting to beat 3 defenders on selfish quests. These athletes are phenomenal. Their physical abilities are usually superior to those of their opponents, their passion is unmatched. These are all the reasons why watching these teams play is like watching Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents, sans happy ending. Painful.

I love good soccer. Chili is nasty and are going to make some noise (they play in about 4 hours so heads up), Argentina and Brazil elicit goosebumps, while Uruguay and Paraguay look like they'll advance. I don't know what they put in the water in South America, but you have to prefer their success to the vindictive western-european attitude. Alexi Sanchez for Chile tomorrow... watch for him he's nice.

Notice the western-european clarification. Serbia, Slovenia, Slovakia... all wild cards and dangerous at any time. Nationalism is a strong motivating factor (ask Archduke Francis Ferdinand). Forget the Slovenian fool who said that the disallowed goal was rightfully a foul on Bocanegra and that we were lucky to tie.

Its like this: the World Cup is a big deal. Not necessarily for America, but on a global context it is basically an international johnson-measuring contest. These people care. You can tell good soccer like anything else... when its good time flies, it's halftime before you blink. When it's bad you contemplate suicide. The one ubiquitously positive aspect of this cup is the commentary and the absence of JP Dellacamara. Damn. The last world cup could only be watched on mute. Harkes is by far the weakest link this year but the other 5 are so quality that we can forgive the annoying voice inflections and John-Madden-like obvious analysis of Harkes. I love that Mike Tirico, Bob Ley, and Chris Fowler are the official interpreters of the world cup for the vast majority of Americans who have no clue what Alexi and his fellow analysts are talking about. The plot continues to thicken. Don't give up on us, we have organization, preparation, and heart. Anything can happen this year. USA. USA. USA.

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Friday, June 18, 2010

Thursday, June 17, 2010

That Boston Mentality

I couldn't quite put into words my feelings for tonight's game 7....
So I drew a picture.


The Difference Between Lakers Fans and Celtics Fans


How they feel after a Celtics win


How they feel after a Lakers win



And sorry Dutch, but this cannot stand without futher review...

...Kobe always has to find some way to cheat
Classless




DUTCH EDIT:



Perkins lands wrong on his own leg.

If anything, you should be mad at Bynum for the over the back; Kobe is making an attempt at a rebound, not trying to knock a guy's legs out from underneath him. A slight nudge of Perkin's calf, followed by Perkins readjusting his footing really poorly, and you get a pretty nasty injury.

Why Perkins couldn't land this, I don't understand.

I mean, we're all going to see what we want to see in the video, but Kobe is trying to win games, not ruin players' careers. Kobe might be cheating on his wife, but never on the court.

I think what all Boston sports fans are feeling right now, with the performance of their teams in the last year, is that the good times of the 2000's are coming to an end- which leads to fear of how long the losing will continue before the next Tom Brady, Kevin Garnett, and Papi Ortiz come along with some shiny championship trophies to quell the masses.

No one wants to relive the curse. Not with the taste of success Boston had from 2002-2008 still lingering.

Crooked Response:

Spin it however you want. No city has known a dynasty like Boston, where every team has had a chance to compete for a title every year for a decade. Fine. Call us a spoiled. Call us arrogant. Call us whatever you want, because when it comes down to it, it's not the winning that's important to us. The suffering is what makes the victories better. As fans, there is no greater feeling than to feel involved, like you're part of something bigger. It's nice to think that if you complain enough about calls, cheer loud enough for goals, harass players to the breaking point, or even just chant, "Yankees Suck" enough, that it makes a difference.

What makes being a Boston sport fan great?

We care.

We watch every game. We agonize over every blown call. We revel in every point. No one cares more about the game than Bostonians. No other city's morale relies on sports.

So when a bull-shit, half-assed thrown together team like the Lakers wins the championship on a couple of free throws, we suffer. When we get camera breaks of the LA crowd of movie stars, most not even watching the game, we suffer.

Yes we are assholes.

That's why we chant things like; "Ugly Sister!" or " No Means No".
It's because we truly hate, and until other cities feel that passion, you don't deserve to win.




Go Red Sox?





DUTCH EDIT 2:

The winning is not what's important?

Boston is a city of sore losers, and sore winners. Hate is not the passion of champions. It's for losers, plain and simple. You wouldn't make the trades you made to create the current Celtics basketball team if winning wasn't important. Winning is everything in the modern megabucks era of professional sports. The last time Boston didn't care about winning, Babe Ruth went to the Yankees. The suffering is something you put up with because the winning is so damn good.

Recognize that Los Angeles doesn't even have a football team. And the Dodgers and the Clippers and the Kings are all jokes. The Lakers are it for that city in terms of sports, and they have a history as illustrious as Boston's. It is truly cherished as a team, as a symbol, as all the things that Boston fans attribute to their beloved sports teams. Every city cares about their teams like it's life and death; just ask Chicago. It's just that other cities don't have to be dicks about it.

When the A's were in town at Fenway, and the Sox were losing, what do the fans do to cheer themselves up? "BEAT LA!! BEAT LA!!" The A's are 6 hours away from LA in Oakland! I understand that the Celtics are in the Finals across town later that night, but how about something that is at least the same sport? It makes about as much sense as chanting "Yankees suck!"

When the Red Sox come to Baltimore, so many of them pour in that the Orioles get booed when they come to bat at their home field.

And Boston is full of people who don't watch the game. The fact that the Red Sox have become one of the most popular brands in the world, going all the way down to the pink Sox hat, shows just that. It's cool to be a Boston fan, just like it's cool to be a celebrity and go to the Lakers game. They live in LA, it's the biggest thing going on in town, where the hell do you expect them to be?Shit, they're pretty much the only people who can afford it.

Half-assed, thrown together? You can't do that 2 years in a row. This team was put together the same way the Celtics were built. Take a home-grown superstar and give him the tools he needs to succeed. I would not be surprised to see Kobe here again next year.

But, in the end, let's recognize that this was one of the great battles in basketball history.

And they let Scalabrine play! And he almost made a shot!





DUTCH EDIT 3:

If you were looking for 100 point performances, you might think that this was not an exciting game.

If you wanted your favorite player to hit every shot and walk on air, this was probably not so thrilling.

But if you wanted to see two teams do everything in their power to stop each other, then this was the game for you.

After the lopsided blowouts and home losses earlier in the series, this was one of those games where every player had nothing left at the end. Look at Gasol's battle scars. Watch Sheed and Pierce grimacing after every bucket. This was a great war, something that you don't see too often in the NBA.

Why was this a great game?

Because the guy who thought he was going to have to win every game all by himself all of a sudden couldn't make a bucket.

Because a team that wasn't supposed to be here, or even close to here, took the defending champs to Game 7, and had them on the ropes there.

Because that same team was shipped down the river after they lost their best big man, supposedly the only guy who was preventing the size advantage of the Lakers from taking over, and still stuck it to those defending champs harder than any other team in the league.

Because of the fact that these two teams played some amazing defense, something that is too often sacrificed. These two teams match up better than any other Finals pair.

Because two of the biggest chumps of the season, and the playoffs, Ron Artest and Rasheed Wallace, got out of their heads and played some of the best basketball of their lives.




The Celtics were going to do it. But they blew a 13 point lead in the second half. Ray Allen should have stopped shooting two games ago. Nate "Tater Tot" Robinson and the Drool Baby weren't there like they were in the wins the Celtics had earlier in the series. The Celtics couldn't get a rebound to save their life, and yet they still had the lead for most of the game. When nothing seems to be going right, and yet, somehow, you're scraping by and still getting it done, that's a great game.

Of course there are going to be a lot of foul shots at the end of the game- that's the only way the Celtics could get the ball back. And don't forget that the Lakers missed about a dozen of those foul shots. And definitely don't forget the big time 3's from Derek Fisher to tie the game, and Ron Artest to put the Lakers over the edge.

In the end, the Celtics couldn't hang on to that lead, and let the Lakers sneak back into it.

Minus the loss, I don't think you could have asked for any more from the Celtics. Just don't blame it on the refs- if the Lakers don't go on 10-0 runs to tie the game, the late-game foul shots don't matter.

This is the way every series should go, where you truly don't know who has the edge until it's all over. I'm also predicting that Gasol gets the MVP trophy in the next finals he wins. Spaniard!!!


Final Thoughts?

Honestly Dutch, I'd love to let this whole thing go and call it what it is, over. But this series will forever stand out in my mind as a wasted opportunity. We had the chance for the one of the greatest series of all time, but ended up with a one of the biggest cop-outs in NBA history. After watching 2 weeks of back and forth action between these two teams, we get a game that is decided by the referees.

Believe me, I hate to say it as much as you hate to hear it, but the numbers don't lie.

Kobe had 2 less free throw, than out entire team!

I know it's bullshit to blame the Refs, but I do blame the NBA. I would have loved to have lost on a legendary Kobe game, like Game 5, where he can't be stopped and he's sinking everything. But that wasn't Game 7. He sucked. And the Refs bailed him out by getting him to the line whenever he wanted. It wasn't a matter of the Celtics giving up the points, all NBA games have up and downs. It was the end of the game, when the Refs are just supposed to let everyone play, and they didn't. They were great all game, and let everything slide. Until it really mattered. Even that out of bounds call on Rondo with 20 seconds left was so close that you just shouldn't call that! Why not let these two teams play in desperation mode and see who comes out on top?
Because Kobe would have lost, and all those Gatorade ads they paid for would look silly.

I will never be able to stomach the hypocrisy that is the LA Lakers. I love how when Big Baby and Nate Robinson celebrate, Phil Jackson calls us "classless", saying how his players would never do that, kinda like dutch with his "Drool" Davis? Really? After Gasol's showing in game 7? That man is the most unfortunate looking person in the entire universe, and to see him scream in victory will forever haunt my nightmares. For the life of me, I can't see why someone wouldn't drown that creature at birth. At least Nate Robinson and Glen Davis are funny. Pau Gasol should've just been like every other European and stuck with soccer. His acting would fit in perfectly. He is EXACTLY what is awful about the NBA. Players who bitch and moan and drop on the floor at the slightest touch, COUGH Fisher COUGH, should be kicked out.
Jordan should never fear being topped by Kobe because no superstar can survive in the NBA anymore. All the big guys end up completely selling-out and gaining an ego the size of Justin Timberlake's when he took Britney's V-Card. They think they deserve every call because they're superstars, and what sucks is that Refs go along with it!

We, as fans, shouldn't have to put up with soccer-like crying. This is America. I want to see the team that plays the hardest win. And that was not the LA Lakers. They expected the NBA to let them win, and the NBA kindly obliged.

Oh, and Ron Artest is a joke, saying he had a good game is like saying Ray Allen had a good game by hitting that last 3 pointer. 1 basket does not make up for a series of shitty-ness.

Also can't believe you said we were a team that didn't deserve to be here. If memory serves, the Celtics SPANKED the Lakers two years ago, and were on the verge of making it to the Finals last year, without KG. We deserved to be there more than the soft-ass Lakers.

Ps. Dig the new Golden State Jersey's. At least one Cali team has their priorities right.
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Free the porn burger van...



Why is it that neighbors always have to ruin the most promising entrepreneurial inventions?

I believe it must all relate to the "Nosy bitch up the street" theory....

Here we have a story about some young entrepreneurs that went about trying to make it on their own. They came up with a clever method of attracting buisness and some neighbors decide to complain and shut them down.

I think it is time we take a stand; "Free the porno burger van" shirts and bumper stickers will be made and distributred.

Help stand up for these brave young men today!

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Kobe Beef



At the BRM we have been able to agree on certain credos in the past; In late 2009 it was decided that no one at BRM wants to see or promote Lady Gaga. Later that year we broke the exclusive inside story that Tiger woods was in fact no different than your common man and that Rocky 4 was indeed the "official" shark jump for the series. After some debate, these and other important matters have been resolved and an official stance taken. This is probably why the BRM has been gaining traction against the nationally syndicated news channels, our ratings are up month after month and we are continuesly honored for delivering ironclad news information and solutions to life's difficult and long standing questions. With that, I would like to make the motion that the BRM adobt a strict "Kobe Bryant is a fuck" policy. Furthermore, Kobe Bryant is officially unwelcome at all of our parties and social functions and we will collectivly promote through fundraising and lobying efforts the fact he is really really not cool. Plus, I don't want him getting inappropriate with anyone connected with the blog so there are corollary benefits as well. Let's hear it everyone, "Kobe Bryant is a Fuck."
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Game 7!!!!

Well, I wouldn't have it any other way, except that it's awful how Perkins went out.

Maybe if Bynum's gone too, that will keep it interesting.

But in the interest of impartiality, which I believe is one of the cornerstones of this presitigious website, I present only this.


GO USA!
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Friday, June 11, 2010

A Hidden Gem Brought To You By Padre Pedro

For those of you familiar with the famous poem, "Casey at the Bat"



Loved Obama smokin a doobie.

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Eminem- No Love DutchMasters Remix


Guess what I spent my week doing?


EDIT: Well, YouTube and Universal Music Group are good at their job.

So let's try this.

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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Eminem: Recovery Album Review






I was never a big Eminem fan growing up. A few too many skits about giving out blowjobs kind of turned me off, but then you hear a song like Bitch Please II or any of the tracks featuring him on Chronic 2001 and you want more. And then you hear those blowjob skits. It's a vicious cycle.

There are two really nice things about this album just by looking at the track list, and 2 really not so nice things. For starters, you've only heard one of these songs before - "Not Afraid" - so even though it's a pretty lame song, at least you have a lot of new material to get excited about. And there are no skits, so I won't have skip any tracks for sure.

But what are Pink and Rihanna doing here? And where's Dr. Dre?


1. Cold Wind Blows- 4/5

Choice lyric: "Yeah I laugh when I call you a slut, bitch. Ba-dum."
This is almost as good as when rappers go back and repeat a reference they made and explain why it's so impressive.

This is how you start an album. Just Blaze is doing his best Dr. Dre impression, kind of like a harder version of "Deja Vu" from the last album. Eminem is fired up. It's a little noisy, but it's hard not to blast this track. This is White Boy Gangster.


2. Talkin' 2 Myself with Kobe- 3/5

Choice lyric: "The new me is back to the old me."
Not quite sure if this is a good thing. As we all know, a sober person has never made a good song in their life.

This track is just a little too full- two people singing, two or three synths and guitars flickering, big echoing drums. It's a nice enough groove through. And he talks about other people with respect, which is rare. Especially considering it's Kanye and Lil' Wayne.


3. On Fire- 3/5

Choice lyric: "If you mistook this for a song, look. This is not a song."
Treat it as such.

This is a great track at the start, but then it gets too monotonous for my tastes. Another pretty good Dr. Dre impression here though, but once again, just one element too many. Take out that high hat and I think you're set.


4. Won't Back Down with Pink!- 3/5

Choice lyric: "I'm a shitstain on the underwear of life."

Errr. As dope as Eminem thought Pink would sound on this song, I think he probably could have done without her and did this song by himself. However, these are the kind of songs that feel a little messy on the album, but would probably be great to see live. And wanting to see Eminem perform live is not something I've ever even considered.


5. W.T.P.- 2/5

Choice lyric: "Baby, if your belly button's not an innie, I'm outtie."

Well, I'm not going to spoil what W.T.P. stands for, but I don't think this track is going to be a classic like "O.P.P." or "ABC" or even "1, 2, 3, 4." This is a song that you hear on every Eminem album, and skip on every Eminem album.


6. Going Through Changes- 5/5

Choice lyric: "Drug dealers hang around me like yes men, and they gonna do whatever I says when I says it. It's in their best interest to protect their investment. And I just lost my best friend, so fuck it, I guess then."

Man, this song could not have come any sooner. After the constant noise from the first 5 tracks, we get some nice chords, a simple drum beat, and a killer Ozzy vocal sample. This is one of those songs that no one else could do right. Because, let's be honest, this song is about as obvious as a Black Eyed Peas joint. You're going through changes? Really? But Eminem can pull it off, basically updating you on all the stuff you kind of wanted to hear on the last album.


7. Not Afraid- 2/5

Choice lyric: "I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in a rhythm to let you know it's a wrap."

This is a Drake song. No melody, lots of weird singing. And what's with the NBA Jam sound at the start of the verses?


8. Seduction- 2/5

Choice lyric: "They call me fire marshal; I shut this shit down."

Well, I guess it makes sense for this track to follow "Not Afraid;" it's basically that beat slowed down. I guess what happens is, you meet a guy like Boi-1da [(really stupid name by the way) who produced the track] when you're making the Drake song "Forever," and you want him to hook you up with some beats, but he's given all his best stuff away, so you get tracks like this. Eminem works well with Dr. Dre because Dre provides energy and intensity to the tracks, which complements Eminem well. These last two tracks have neither of those elements.


9. No Love with Lil' Wayne- 3/5

Choice lyric:
Lil Wayne: "It's Weezy motherfucker, blood gang, and I'm in bleed mode."
A perfect example of a Lil Wayne rhyme. It sounds nice at first, then you realize that he really should start writing things down again because it doesn't make any goddamn sense.


Wait!? Night at the Roxbury? Just wait until you hear the little bit of the vocal at the beginning. This is basically the same thing that Just Blaze did for that T.I. song "Live Your Life," but that sample is a lot worse (Mi ya hee, Mi ya ha) than this one. Oh, and this is a weed smoking song, because there's a lighter sound in the beginning. Why are rappers still doing that? Don't they know I've been high ever since I had the idea I should even download this shit?


10. Space Bound- 2/5

Choice lyric: "Love is evil; spell it backwards, I'll show ya."
TI? Watch your back, homie.

Huh? I guess it's cool that Eminem is going outside of Dr. Dre to cook up these tracks, but I feel like he might need to make another album or two before he gets it right. This is some dorm room music here.


11. Cinderella Man- 1/5

Choice lyric: "I'll be damned if another rapper gets in my ass."

What? This is one of those songs where each added element is just a little bit worse than the one before it. All I know is that the Cinderella Man is coming to get up in your ass.


12. 25 to Life- 2/5

Choice lyric: "You keep treating me like a fucking staircase. It's time to fucking step."
This whole song is a metaphor of this caliber.

I'm pretty sure Eminem's got his girlfriend's iPod on shuffle here.


13. So Bad- 2/5

Choice lyric: "I told you I ain't fooling; this ain't the first day of April."

Finally, back to rap music on this rap album. But, this is the Dr. Dre track that was saved for this album? Songs like this are what make you hope that the good version is being saved for Detox, or else they really shouldn't even make Detox.


14. Almost Famous- 2/5

Choice lyric: "I stuck my dick in this game like a rapist. They call me Slim Roethlisberger."

There are some really strange choruses on this album. Also, for as average as this song is, there sure is a damn long build up just to get this started. And, in true Eminem fashion, it goes on and on. What's worse, is that this is basically the pinacle of the delivery on the promise of Eminem and Just Blaze working together. Just Blaze is not making "PSA" anymore.


15. Love the Way You Lie with Rihanna- 2/5

Choice lyric: "Look me in the eyeball."

Goddammit. Sometimes, when you read the title of a song, you think, "Well, maybe, it's not going to be what I'm expecting." And then it starts. And you keep telling yourself that something better's coming. And the song does one of those record stopping sounds, and you take a breath, and get hopeful, and then the song starts again and you realize that you already heard this song on B.o.B.'s album, when it was called "Airplanes," and you realize that it's produced by the same guy (Alex da Kid, another terrible name) and you can't believe that Eminem's sunk lower than a track like "Just Lose It," where at least he was telling a really bad joke. Here, I'm afraid he's serious.


16. You're Never Over- 1/5

Choice lyric: (slightly paraphrased) "I'm going to rhyme myself to death in order to celebrate your life."

Nate Dogg is not going to like this album.


17. Here We Go- 1/5

Choice lyric: "If he hollers, let him go-o."

Every time I see a bonus track, I think of that bit from Family Guy where Stewie and Brian are in the army and their drill sergeant makes them listen to the entire Chris Gaines/Garth Brooks album, including the bonus track. "Ooooh, I hope it's a ballad...." Well, that's what this track is. It was definitely made for someone, but I don't think it was me. If you're feeling kinda shitty after listening to this album, check out Black Sabbath's "Changes" to cleanse the palette nicely.



Overall- 2/5

I hope that more artists decide to go a similar route, with no skits, and only one single. By the time I listened to that Drake album, I'd already heard half of the songs. However, that's probably all that aspiring musicians should take away from this album.

Once again, we have an artist who should've put out a single album with half the songs of his last album and this one. There was a very strongly felt absence of Dr. Dre here. And something that I don't think has ever affected Eminem before is a strongly felt influence of modern rappers, like B.o.B. and Drake. This is really unfortunate.

Also, Eminem spends a lot of time on this album apologizing for the last two albums, which is not something you hear any musician do. And, to be honest, I feel like of the three, this is the one he should apologize the most for.

I've tried listening to this album for a few nights now before I went to sleep. I kept passing out before track 1 was over, and I'd wake up thinking I was missing out on some gems.

Sometimes, it's good to be the nerd at the slumber party.

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iPhone post 2

Well, Apple has certainly made a lot of sweeping innovations in the technology game, and while I really dig gonads for your phone, this is what truly impresses me.


In what is quite possibly the corniest commercial I have ever seen, Apple will stand on top of the mountain again because they have made a phone for deaf people! Check the video at 1:19.

Between this and the iPad, how did people survive without Apple for thousands of years?
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iPhone 4 is here!!!

Well folks, the time has come. Steve Jobs finally figured out just what the consumer wants - a phone with balls. Too many times these communication devices are feature rich, but just don't have the real power that we all need. So the engineers at Apple have incorporated their best feature EVER, a tiny set of testicles.

They had to do something to set apart the stolen prototype from the actual market product. Touche Apple, touche.

JJ


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Friday, June 4, 2010

NEVER EVER TRAVEL WITH THIS GUY.....

Franco Selak refuses to take a plane or even a train. That's because this Croatian music teacher had survived numerous near death experiences and doesn't want to take any sort of risk. He's survived an airplane crash, a train "flying" into a cold river, among other incidents. Throw in a million dollar lottery ticket, and he's the luckiest man in the world.

I am the luckiest man in the world. I'm 76 years old, and I've already spent eight of my nine lives. I'm currently enjoying life number nine in Croatia as a retired music professor. Every week, I'm just happy that my luck appears to be holding.

My first lucky escape happened on the very first day of my life, June 3, 1929. My father and mother, who was seven months pregnant, went on a one-day fishing trip in a tiny boat. While my father was fishing, my mother unexpectedly gave birth.

It was a miracle I stayed alive because my father, in a panic, washed me, a newborn baby, in the cold seawater. It took hours before we got back to a hospital. I was already stiff from cold an exposure, but the doctors were able to save me. Near Death Experiences

I led a fairly normal life for the next 30 years, but while the1960s were a decade of trouble for me. I survived one accident after another, starting with the train crash in January, 1962.

The train slipped from the track and we ended up in a cold water river. I managed to break the thick glass on the train window while under the icy cold water. I still had enough strength to save an old woman but I lost consciousness while swimming to the shore of the river. Luckily, people from a nearby village saved me and the woman I pulled from the wreckage. Seventeen people died in the crash.

A year later, I spent my third life. That was the first and the last time that I've traveled on an airplane. It was a flight from the Croatian capital Zagreb to the Adriatic port of Rijeka. The airplane reportedly touched hit the top of a mountain, although I only remember the airplane's back door blowing open before I fell through.

Newspapers later reported that I fell for 850 meters before landing in a large heap of hay. I was in coma in a hospital for three days before I woke up. Doctors told me I was a phenomenon. This time, 20 people died.

In 1968 I was a music teacher in a primary school. On a school trip, the bus ended up in the river after falling from a four-meter-high bridge. Both the driver and I luckily survived. The real miracle was that we dropped off 25 kids minutes before the accident.

Lives 6 and 7 went were used up by my car in the 1970s. I survived a burning car not once but twice. Both times, my wife and I escaped from the burning car in the nick of time, just as the flames were about to engulf us.

Life Number 8: The last big accident (knock on wood!) I experienced was in 1994 when I became a refugee from the war. I was driving my car close to Karlobag in western Croatia when a UN peacekeeper crashed into me with an armoured vehicle.

Somehow, I fell out of the car before it rolled into a 150 meter deep hole and exploded. I broke three ribs and injured my hip, a small price to pay for my life.

Winning the Lottery
While luck saved my life numerous times, I was tired of only having nearly dying.

In 2002, my type of luck changed for the better. I won a million US dollars in the Croatian national lottery. I've bought a house, and built a small chapel to thank God for all my lucky escapes and one big win, and I've also given a lot of things to all the people I love.
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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Drake: Thank Me Later Album Review


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Well, Hip-Hop's savior has arrived with his first album.

Will Nate Dogg listen to it? Let's find out.


1. Fireworks with Alicia Keys- 2/5

Choice Lyric: "I'm just such a gentleman, you should give it up for me. Look at how I'm placing my napkins and my cutlery."

Maybe I'm missing something, but isn't Drake Canadian? What the hell does he care about July 4th? This is definitely not the kind of song I expect to be called "Fireworks," a really soft, kind of wack way to start an album. But it definitely lets you know what's in store for the next hour or so. And, it's never a great idea to have a real singer coming in right after your autotuning. It makes you look bad.


2. Karaoke- 1/5

Choice Lyric: "Isn't it ironic that the girl I want to marry is a wedding planner?"
I don't think that's irony. That seems more like good fortune. You're definitely going to have a really well-run wedding.

Were you feeling like Drake should do a Postal Service song on his album? At least Drake got my memo about the first track and decided that he was going to take over singing for the rest of the album.


3. The Resistance- 2/5

Choice Lyric: "I avoided the coke game and went with Sprite instead. That's word to the millions they putting up."
Drake, you would have never sold drugs- you're a half-white half-Jewish teenage MTV star who lives in the suburbs of Canada where they don't even lock their doors - and Coke owns Sprite, so that's word to you being a shill even on your own album that's supposed to be intensely personal.

This is definitely the part of the album where you wonder if he's seriously going to be like this the whole way through. And I hate to spoil the surprise, but....


4. Over- 3/5

Choice Lyric: "Bottles on me, as long as someone drinks it."
So you're saying that if you buy a bottle of booze, and no one drinks it, you're not going to pay for it. You might want to talk to management and see if that's all right.

I like the idea of this song, how the beat kind of wakes him up on the hook, but to be honest, the song kind of goes downhill as soon as the first verse starts. He's also made this song already (repetitive single chord with same drum beat)- "Forever," etc. - but, in the context of this album, it is a real breath of fresh air, some hard-hitting hip hop.


5. Show Me a Good Time- 2/5

Choice Lyric: "I don't even want to wait too long long long long tellin everybody we about to be on on on on."
That's kind of ironic, how long he takes to tell everyone the things he doesn't want to wait too long to tell them.

Who the fuck wants to listen to a song that starts like this? I don't care how many lounge singerchords you throw over it. Produced by Kanye West? I really hope that 808's has run its course out of his system and only onto other people's albums.


6. Up All Night with Nicki Minaj- 4/5

Choice Lyric: "We can't even rent them shoes unless there's a comma on the price tag. But who even looks at the price tag." If you're trying to ball like this, go to Europe. They use commas for decimals- save yourself a couple Sheckels. Also, you rent shoes?

If you had told me that my favorite track on this album was going to be the one with the bisexual chick rapper, well, I would have wondered why anyone else cares about these things as much as me. But thinking about it more, Drake spends so much time acting like a girl on this album that he might as well get the real thing.


7. Fancy with T.I. and Swizz Beatz- 2/5

Choice Lyric: "She was fine like a ticket on the dash."
Ughh. And since when is the meter maid getting into your car and leaving the ticket there, and not on the windshield?

Whenever you see Swizz Beatz as a feature on a track, you're either going to get a song like "On to the Next One" by Jay-Z, or a song like this. Neither are ever what you want. And this song has absolutely no right being five minutes long, if only for the fact that it's half a joke that was told much better on Drake's song "You the Fucking Best."

I do like the weird mono outro where Swizzy shouts out all of his catchphrases though.


8. Shut it Down with The-Dream- 1/5

Choice Lyric: "Baby, you finer than your fine cousin."
We've all been there.

This is the song you make seven minutes long?!


9. Unforgettable with Young Jeezy- 2/5

Choice Lyric: "I'm so fly I need feathers. Brrrr."

I guess the one thing I appreciate about a lot of these songs is that they usually only have two verses. Drake is good at sharing.


10. Light Up with Jay-Z- 3/5

Choice Lyric:
Drizzy: "I wrote it for your girlfriend- Kelsey Grammer."
Jay-Z: "I'm like Windows 7; you let them tell it, they swear they invented you."

I just wish someone would inspire Drake to change his rhyming style once- so he stops relying on making a weird simile, and then really hammering the coffin closed by relating it to something that provides absolutely no further depth to the thought.

From the song "Over" : "I really can't complain; everything is Kosher, two thumbs up- Ebert and Roeper!" Wait, I thought Siskel and Ebert came up with two thumbs up. Kind of shows the degenerative capabilities of Rap music. The problem is that nothing rhymes with "Siskel" or "Ebert," or "Roeper" for that matter. You shouldn't be using Yiddish in Hip Hop anyways- L'Chaim!


11. Miss Me with Lil' Wayne- 2/5

Choice Lyric: "D.R.A.K.E. stand for Do Right and Kill Everything."
I think someone didn't really read those Ten Commandments.

You know this is going to suck. The best part is when Lil' Wayne quotes some old school R&B and says, "I'm a love machine; I won't work for nobody but you." And once again, why does this atonal mess run 5 minutes?


12. Cece's Interlude- 1/5

Choice Lyric: "I wish that I was still in school so I could have you in my dorm room."

Huh? I think you can afford a real room now, with a real bed, and no roommates to watch you. Unless that's what you miss. Cece must be a lucky .... person.


13. Find Your Love- 1/5

Choice Lyric: "Hey, HEY, heyyyy."

Don't let me catch you listening to this song.


14. Thank Me Now- 2/5

Choice Lyric: "The doors will open up as soon as you find the missing key." Tell it like it is Drizzy!

Ever wanted to listen to a song where every sound is played backwards? Timbaland used to make some really cool music like this, back in the 90's.



Overall- 2/5

I didn't know you could make a whole album without a single melody. If you've ever listened to running water, a cat sleeping on a piano, or even a cloud zooming by, and thought it would sound really good with a drum beat, then this is the album for you.

This album is the opposite of an alarm clock. This is background music for going to sleep, the sound of grass growing, it's some straight-up wheelchair music.

The same way that Kanye West was raised on Jay-Z and Wu-Tang, Drake was raised on Kanye West, and mayonnaise on his burgers. He must have heard Kid Cudi's album and knew that he really had to outdo himself. The album at least succeeds in that it all sounds the same; it must be said that Drake does these songs really well, probably better than Kanye. But don't give me a song like "Over" and let me think you might have some energy saved up for the rest of the album. That song should not be a highlight on any album. If you kind of dug this album though, I recommend listening to his mixtape "So Far Gone" - it's free, and he does these songs a lot better on that album. It seems that you can say that about Wale and Kid Cudi too.

What bothers me is that, while I always like to hear a new part of the world putting their sound on the mainstream stage, these cats from Toronto are really bummed out, or blazed out, or both. And then they get Eminem to buy into it, and make songs like "Not Afraid" with them? There has to be a happy medium between the energy in the club songs and the supposed artistry coming from guys like Drake. Dr. Dre, we need you bad, homie.

This album is the anthem for people who like to stare out windows on rainy days.


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Urban Camo

For all the female BRM readers out there, we introduce the new trend in Urban Camouflage.




It is a vending-machine dress, it's the brainchild of clothing designer Aya Tsukioka. She feels it could offer a woman walking alone a way to elude pursuers.

We here at BRM commend people making the world a little safer. Thanks Aya, you are a remarkable woman.
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Fuel for the Fire

2009 may have gone to LA and the donkey boy..



...But they didn't have to play Boston and the Big 4


P.S Kobe's a bitch
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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What is wrong with our country...


I just finished reading this story in the news.

The lack of accountability that people have in this country is amazing. This woman is so dumb she deserves to get hit.

What scares me most is she will probably win money.
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