This Is Why I Watch TV

To Learn valuable Life Lessons

Snitchin' Bill is Born

a photo of Prison from my Apartment

As I left Spanish class, my teacher warned me about staying out all night and missing class the next day. I assured her that Halloween on a Tuesday could not possibly be eventful enough to prevent me from my responsibilities as a scholar. In the back of my mind, however, I thought that it was poor form to schedule Halloween on a weekday.

This was 10 a.m. The next thing I knew, it was 10 p.m., and sitting in front of me was an empty case of beer. Wrapped around my neck was a large gold chain, with a matching sleeveless undershirt and neon and black tracksuit. My friend had decided to throw foreshadowing to the wind, dressed as “Prison Will” with a Saint Quentin blue button-down dress shirt and gold tooth. We were ready for Fell's Point.

What I think a ginny looks like

Halloween in America must be one of our stranger customs to the rest of the world, especially if one is casting their gaze on the Fell's Point district of Baltimore. A two-block stretch of bars next door to downtown, the Halloween party there stands second in size only to the festivities in Salem, Massachusetts. People in Baltimore live for two things: drinking all day on the infield of the Preakness Horse Races in the summer, and drinking all night on Halloween in Fell's Point.

It surprised me, then, that undercover police officers very quickly spotted me with a can of beer wandering amongst 50,000 people. At first I thought I was being arrested by a hobo, until he pulled his badge out from underneath his costume. I was quickly surrounded by several other officers. Clearly Billy Soprano had just become Enemy of the State. Once they caught me fumbling for my fake ID, however, they lightened up. You can tell because my friend took a picture of the confrontation, and my face is all smiles as they are slamming me against the hood of the squad car.

In their defense, the cops had great costumes

After disarming me of my beer and ID, the Baltimore PD released me back into the wild of the night, where I then bumped into a prospective girlfriend. She was attracted to my newly-found bad boy image, and for some reason I was digging her trucker hat and walrus-thin mustache. At this moment, I should have realized tonight was going to be a manly love kind of night.

Guess which one I've hooked up with?

SHE and I arranged to meet up later, and Prison Will and I kept walking. We basically acted like judges of a costume contest for the rest of the night, realizing that many girls must be impervious to the cold of fall Maryland nights. I was feeling slightly invincible as well, but not as much as my other friend John. It's hard to believe that someone dressed as Super Mario can appear out of nowhere to change your life forever, but that's the magic of Halloween. When we bumped into him, Super John was hungering for pizza (of course) and took us down the street to the local parlor. Along the way, he decided to smash his elbow through a storefront window.

It's always impressive the things that consume your interest when you're inebriated. As soon as Mario showed that he wasn't bleeding, we forgot about that window, and I spent five minutes staring at a run in a girl's fishnet tights. Unfortunately, the police officer standing at the end of the block did not. Mario ordered us a large pie, I took some pictures of girls and posed with my open alcohol container citation, and then Prison Will was escorted out of the parlor by Officer “How Stupid Can You Guys Be.”

Snagging a piece at the Pizza Parlor- Isn't Halloween awesome?

And that's Prison Will- nice costume...

Even more unfortunately, Mario thought that because he was buying us a pizza, he didn't need to confess to the crime. He just kept repeating his family creed, “They got nothing on us.” We never did get to eat that pizza. We all did get arrested however. For me, it had a little extra sting, because one of the cops who had just busted me less than an hour earlier had snatched me again. “We shoulda locked you up the first fucking time, you piece of shit! If my son was running around acting like you...”

At least I was helping her become a better parent.

The process of actually going to jail is pretty time consuming. First, you sit on the curb in plastic cuffs. Then you sit in the Police RV with zip-ties. They've got TV in the RV, but you only get Jay Leno, and the reception is a little snowy. Then they put the metal cuffs on you and throw you in the back of the paddy wagon with the rest of the night's low-lifes. Prison Will and I were a little overwhelmed; Mario, on the other hand, was having a blast. He even got to reconnect with an old friend who happened to be sitting next to him.

Once we arrived at our final destination, we got to mix it up with a few of the jail's other upcoming guests for the evening. It was 4 in the morning and I was sitting across from a very scary man who would not stop staring at me.

“I want one of yo' chains, boy,” he exclaimed, nodding towards my Halloween-themed Mardi Gras beads.

I had necklaces to spare, and would have been more than glad to have given him one, except that the cuffs were on really tight behind my back.

“I'll be seeing you at breakfast,” he fired back at my silence as he was escorted through processing. Not to spoil the story, but they don't give you a communal breakfast in jail. At the time though, I did not know that. It was one of a few things that kept me awake for the rest of that night. My new friend was confirming my suspicions that I looked like a prison bitch.

The moment I broke down was when they put me in front of the pay phone for my only call. In the age of cell phones, I could not remember one phone number, save my parents' 3,000 miles away. I toughened up quickly, and went into my cell quietly, sharing it with a few other guys who were looking a lot worse for wear than me, even though the cops had confiscated my jacket and given me a replacement one made of material akin to insulation.

Halloween is Christmas for the police. They can arrest whoever they want, for whatever reason, and you get to spend a couple hours in the drunk tank. I left the jail being charged with an adverb. Somewhere, I have a record with the word “Disorderly” stamped on it. Prison Will and Mario had to go to court to settle their differences of opinion on who truly deserves the charges of property damage and seven years of bad luck. For me, it all amounted to a fairly effective Scared Straight program.

For my other cellmates, maybe not so much. The guy in front of me at the checkout line joked, "See you next weekend!" as he rolled out with his belongings. I got all my chains back and walked away as quickly as possible.

As we left the jail at 2 p.m. the next day, all I really cared about was, “How was I going to explain all of this to my teacher, in Spanish?”

Winning.

New Item at the Blumpkin Store!

Just in time for the holidays, have the one you love get what she really needs....

It's the Blumpkin Hat, perfect for your cruising the internet in total comfort!

And it comes with a French Tickler tassle, which shows that you care.

And now, for those who surf the web on their smart phones, we also have what you need!

Much like BJ's, it's plug and play!

We'll take your best offer. Sweatshops are standing by.

Hip Hop is Dead Part 1

L.R.: Why did you have permanent diamonds drilled into your bottom teeth?

Kanye: I just like diamond teeth and I didn’t feel like having to take them out all the time.

The only possible downside....

kanyewest

I swear my love bracelet and gold & diamond teeth always set off the metal detector

By the way, he bought the love bracelet for himself. Let's have a toast for the douche bags.

In Kanye's words, "I'll never change, I'm too stuck in my ways."

Billy Down the Block....

Young Billy down the block asks the tough questions so you don't have to.

What kind of beer do kids like?

How do I know if a girl's toes are curling? Can I stop what I'm doing and check?

What's a bomer?

Is nothing sacred?

Halloween is coming up soon, and we all know that means pumpkin patches.

More specifically, much like Christmas Tree lots, kids and their parents decide that they need to make a day out of the process of a grabbing a pumpkin off the ground. In order to entice business, pumpkin sellers have had to resort to some extreme measures.

For example, have any of you seen the movie Titanic?

a dramatic re-enantment of historic events

Well, as John Mayer would say, they tore up paradise and turned it into a astro bounce for little kids.

I think that little kid down there did it....

In case you were wondering, you can exploit anything.

A few more styles

We here in America like variety.

As such, I want more than just a moustache for my ride. And you should do.

The BRM proudly presents some of our unique hairy hood ornament styles.

such as...

For a fierce full-frontal look, might we recommend...

The DutchMasters Classic?

For a little side detailing, try...

The Moon Puppy

And for those of you who prefer to keep business up front, and on top...

It's a party in the back with...

The Gentleman's Horseshoe,

shown here with optional ponytail attachment.

Robin Williams is Coming to Town!

Congratulations on one-upping Megamillions!

No man is an island

In 2011... it will take a village...

COMING IN LESS THAN A YEAR

Congratulations!

Breaking News!

In an inspired geographical move, the City of Cleveland has decided to pack its bags and move to Miami, Florida.

While somewhat surprising, experts are predicting that the move will help provide Cleveland with warmer winters and cocaine, possibly raising the spirits of the ailing city.

With the Jersey Shore also relocating to South Beach, the fourth corner of the US has become a hot-spot destination for tourists, sports fans, and Cuban refugees alike.

No word yet on who will take Cleveland's prime real estate south of the Great Lakes, but with the prevailing winds, Canada seems like a safe bet.

Ripped from the Headlines

Straight from the streets of San Francisco....

Aw, sweet! Legos!

Great Cage Flicks #1

ADAPTATION

If you're looking for something a little off the beaten path, like a more polished version of a Wes Anderson film- especially without all of his tired flourishes- look no further than this classic Nic Cage film.

Directed by Spike Jonze, who made the the music video "Sabotage" for the Beastie Boys, the viewer is in for a treat as Nic Cage plays both the main character Charlie, and his twin brother, Donald. The movie is a little bit of a twister, as it's basically the story of a guy hired to write a movie about a book called The Orchid Thief. The guy, Charlie Kaufman, (who wrote the movie, as well as Being John Malkovich and some other movies people have told you are awesome but just couldn't be bothered to see) couldn't come up with anything, so he invented a brother for himself, pretended they both wrote the movie together, and just made a movie about the difficulties with trying to make a movie.

The movie is wild, hysterical, and, if you get tired of whiny, depressed Nic Cage, his brother is the cool, smooth-talking Nic Cage!

After the success of this film, Nic Cage began to look for other opportunities to play dual roles in films. Unfortunately, one of those ideas, while promising, never got off the ground. I have unearthed a rare promotional poster for the film, which did not drum up the interest many hoped. Perhaps, someday, we may be blessed with this artistic vision of a possible masterpiece.

What Could Have Been...

Some people like to criticize Nicolas Cage for doing too many movies, but to me, it's the movies that he doesn't do that really steams my crawdaddy.

I don't think I've even seen one of the Superman movies, but that image alone is enough to get me excited. The guy named his son Kal-El, Superman's alien name, so you know he cares about this stuff. Instead, we have to suffer with guys like Tobey Maguire, when everyone knows that Nic Cage could have really done the part right.

And now that they're attempting to reboot the reboot, because the first reboot that came out a few years ago sucked (kind of like the two Hulks) I say it's time to consider Nic Cage again for the role. Here is an artist's mock-up, if they wanted to go down the road of the gritty, darker superhero movie that seems to be so popular these days.

It's unfortunate that Tim Burton wants to waste all of our time with fake kid's movie remakes, when he could be

doing groundbreaking stuff like this.

Nic Cage as Everyone

Oh no, we ain't done!

It's Nic Cage Week at the Blumpkin Spot!

In honor of my favorite actor, Nicolas Cage, I thought I would present a great website dedicated to his glory.

http://niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com/

In addition, I have decided to do a sports-themed one, featuring our hero as a great America hero of this year's World Cup, Landon Donovan.

That Boston Mentality

I couldn't quite put into words my feelings for tonight's game 7....

So I drew a picture.

The Difference Between Lakers Fans and Celtics Fans

How they feel after a Celtics win

How they feel after a Lakers win

And sorry Dutch, but this cannot stand without futher review...

...Kobe always has to find some way to cheat

Classless

DUTCH EDIT:

Perkins lands wrong on his own leg.

If anything, you should be mad at Bynum for the over the back; Kobe is making an attempt at a rebound, not trying to knock a guy's legs out from underneath him. A slight nudge of Perkin's calf, followed by Perkins readjusting his footing really poorly, and you get a pretty nasty injury.

Why Perkins couldn't land this, I don't understand.

I mean, we're all going to see what we want to see in the video, but Kobe is trying to win games, not ruin players' careers. Kobe might be cheating on his wife, but never on the court.

I think what all Boston sports fans are feeling right now, with the performance of their teams in the last year, is that the good times of the 2000's are coming to an end- which leads to fear of how long the losing will continue before the next Tom Brady, Kevin Garnett, and Papi Ortiz come along with some shiny championship trophies to quell the masses.

No one wants to relive the curse. Not with the taste of success Boston had from 2002-2008 still lingering.

Crooked Response:

Spin it however you want. No city has known a dynasty like Boston, where every team has had a chance to compete for a title every year for a decade. Fine. Call us a spoiled. Call us arrogant. Call us whatever you want, because when it comes down to it, it's not the winning that's important to us. The suffering is what makes the victories better. As fans, there is no greater feeling than to feel involved, like you're part of something bigger. It's nice to think that if you complain enough about calls, cheer loud enough for goals, harass players to the breaking point, or even just chant, "Yankees Suck" enough, that it makes a difference.

What makes being a Boston sport fan great?

We care.

We watch every game. We agonize over every blown call. We revel in every point. No one cares more about the game than Bostonians. No other city's morale relies on sports.

So when a bull-shit, half-assed thrown together team like the Lakers wins the championship on a couple of free throws, we suffer. When we get camera breaks of the LA crowd of movie stars, most not even watching the game, we suffer.

Yes we are assholes.

That's why we chant things like; "Ugly Sister!" or " No Means No".

It's because we truly hate, and until other cities feel that passion, you don't deserve to win.

Go Red Sox?

DUTCH EDIT 2:

The winning is not what's important?

Boston is a city of sore losers, and sore winners. Hate is not the passion of champions. It's for losers, plain and simple. You wouldn't make the trades you made to create the current Celtics basketball team if winning wasn't important. Winning is everything in the modern megabucks era of professional sports. The last time Boston didn't care about winning, Babe Ruth went to the Yankees. The suffering is something you put up with because the winning is so damn good.

Recognize that Los Angeles doesn't even have a football team. And the Dodgers and the Clippers and the Kings are all jokes. The Lakers are it for that city in terms of sports, and they have a history as illustrious as Boston's. It is truly cherished as a team, as a symbol, as all the things that Boston fans attribute to their beloved sports teams. Every city cares about their teams like it's life and death; just ask Chicago. It's just that other cities don't have to be dicks about it.

When the A's were in town at Fenway, and the Sox were losing, what do the fans do to cheer themselves up? "BEAT LA!! BEAT LA!!" The A's are 6 hours away from LA in Oakland! I understand that the Celtics are in the Finals across town later that night, but how about something that is at least the same sport? It makes about as much sense as chanting "Yankees suck!"

When the Red Sox come to Baltimore, so many of them pour in that the Orioles get booed when they come to bat at their home field.

And Boston is full of people who don't watch the game. The fact that the Red Sox have become one of the most popular brands in the world, going all the way down to the pink Sox hat, shows just that. It's cool to be a Boston fan, just like it's cool to be a celebrity and go to the Lakers game. They live in LA, it's the biggest thing going on in town, where the hell do you expect them to be?Shit, they're pretty much the only people who can afford it.

Half-assed, thrown together? You can't do that 2 years in a row. This team was put together the same way the Celtics were built. Take a home-grown superstar and give him the tools he needs to succeed. I would not be surprised to see Kobe here again next year.

But, in the end, let's recognize that this was one of the great battles in basketball history.

And they let Scalabrine play! And he almost made a shot!

DUTCH EDIT 3:

If you were looking for 100 point performances, you might think that this was not an exciting game.

If you wanted your favorite player to hit every shot and walk on air, this was probably not so thrilling.

But if you wanted to see two teams do everything in their power to stop each other, then this was the game for you.

After the lopsided blowouts and home losses earlier in the series, this was one of those games where every player had nothing left at the end. Look at Gasol's battle scars. Watch Sheed and Pierce grimacing after every bucket. This was a great war, something that you don't see too often in the NBA.

Why was this a great game?

Because the guy who thought he was going to have to win every game all by himself all of a sudden couldn't make a bucket.

Because a team that wasn't supposed to be here, or even close to here, took the defending champs to Game 7, and had them on the ropes there.

Because that same team was shipped down the river after they lost their best big man, supposedly the only guy who was preventing the size advantage of the Lakers from taking over, and still stuck it to those defending champs harder than any other team in the league.

Because of the fact that these two teams played some amazing defense, something that is too often sacrificed. These two teams match up better than any other Finals pair.

Because two of the biggest chumps of the season, and the playoffs, Ron Artest and Rasheed Wallace, got out of their heads and played some of the best basketball of their lives.

The Celtics were going to do it. But they blew a 13 point lead in the second half. Ray Allen should have stopped shooting two games ago. Nate "Tater Tot" Robinson and the Drool Baby weren't there like they were in the wins the Celtics had earlier in the series. The Celtics couldn't get a rebound to save their life, and yet they still had the lead for most of the game. When nothing seems to be going right, and yet, somehow, you're scraping by and still getting it done, that's a great game.

Of course there are going to be a lot of foul shots at the end of the game- that's the only way the Celtics could get the ball back. And don't forget that the Lakers missed about a dozen of those foul shots. And definitely don't forget the big time 3's from Derek Fisher to tie the game, and Ron Artest to put the Lakers over the edge.

In the end, the Celtics couldn't hang on to that lead, and let the Lakers sneak back into it.

Minus the loss, I don't think you could have asked for any more from the Celtics. Just don't blame it on the refs- if the Lakers don't go on 10-0 runs to tie the game, the late-game foul shots don't matter.

This is the way every series should go, where you truly don't know who has the edge until it's all over. I'm also predicting that Gasol gets the MVP trophy in the next finals he wins. Spaniard!!!

Final Thoughts?

Honestly Dutch, I'd love to let this whole thing go and call it what it is, over. But this series will forever stand out in my mind as a wasted opportunity. We had the chance for the one of the greatest series of all time, but ended up with a one of the biggest cop-outs in NBA history. After watching 2 weeks of back and forth action between these two teams, we get a game that is decided by the referees.

Believe me, I hate to say it as much as you hate to hear it, but the numbers don't lie.

Kobe had 2 less free throw, than out entire team!

I know it's bullshit to blame the Refs, but I do blame the NBA. I would have loved to have lost on a legendary Kobe game, like Game 5, where he can't be stopped and he's sinking everything. But that wasn't Game 7. He sucked. And the Refs bailed him out by getting him to the line whenever he wanted. It wasn't a matter of the Celtics giving up the points, all NBA games have up and downs. It was the end of the game, when the Refs are just supposed to let everyone play, and they didn't. They were great all game, and let everything slide. Until it really mattered. Even that out of bounds call on Rondo with 20 seconds left was so close that you just shouldn't call that! Why not let these two teams play in desperation mode and see who comes out on top?

Because Kobe would have lost, and all those Gatorade ads they paid for would look silly.

I will never be able to stomach the hypocrisy that is the LA Lakers. I love how when Big Baby and Nate Robinson celebrate, Phil Jackson calls us "classless", saying how his players would never do that, kinda like dutch with his "Drool" Davis? Really? After Gasol's showing in game 7? That man is the most unfortunate looking person in the entire universe, and to see him scream in victory will forever haunt my nightmares. For the life of me, I can't see why someone wouldn't drown that creature at birth. At least Nate Robinson and Glen Davis are funny. Pau Gasol should've just been like every other European and stuck with soccer. His acting would fit in perfectly. He is EXACTLY what is awful about the NBA. Players who bitch and moan and drop on the floor at the slightest touch, COUGH Fisher COUGH, should be kicked out.

Jordan should never fear being topped by Kobe because no superstar can survive in the NBA anymore. All the big guys end up completely selling-out and gaining an ego the size of Justin Timberlake's when he took Britney's V-Card. They think they deserve every call because they're superstars, and what sucks is that Refs go along with it!

We, as fans, shouldn't have to put up with soccer-like crying. This is America. I want to see the team that plays the hardest win. And that was not the LA Lakers. They expected the NBA to let them win, and the NBA kindly obliged.

Oh, and Ron Artest is a joke, saying he had a good game is like saying Ray Allen had a good game by hitting that last 3 pointer. 1 basket does not make up for a series of shitty-ness.

Also can't believe you said we were a team that didn't deserve to be here. If memory serves, the Celtics SPANKED the Lakers two years ago, and were on the verge of making it to the Finals last year, without KG. We deserved to be there more than the soft-ass Lakers.

Ps. Dig the new Golden State Jersey's. At least one Cali team has their priorities right.

Urban Camo

For all the female BRM readers out there, we introduce the new trend in Urban Camouflage.




It is a vending-machine dress, it's the brainchild of clothing designer Aya Tsukioka. She feels it could offer a woman walking alone a way to elude pursuers.

We here at BRM commend people making the world a little safer. Thanks Aya, you are a remarkable woman.

I'm forming a boy band...

And you're all invited!

We're the Gentlemen Cuddlers- basically like a supergroup of all the guys who banged Justin Bieber's, Usher's, and Justin Timberlake's moms.

As a side note, who the hell are all these other Street Fighter characters?

The birthday boys hangin out on the porch...

The Mighty Duck man himself!!!!!


EMILIO!!!!!

UPDATED: Long lost family photo!

I think I can see the other two Baldwins in the way back there!

Things hobos don't care about

Sidewalks

Hitchhiking to reasonable places

Treasure

One for the cheap seats

This is where I wish rap music would go back to...