Now that this year is over, and Tiger Woods is in jail, and Garth got his pubes, it's time to look at all the cool stuff that's going to happen next year.
And because I only love two things: cunts and blunts, and movies, here's my list of the most anticipated films of 2010.
Honorable Mention
Say what you will, but the first movie is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen, and the prank at the end of Jackass 2 is incredible, if only for how epicly stupidly it turns on itself. And look at all the places they're shooting the third film:
Knob Lick, Kentucky
Mianus, Connecticut
Fukang, China
Buttzville, New Jersey
Gayville, South Dakota
I'm sure that this will be just as entertaining as the last two. Just make sure to get wasted before you see it.
10.
Every year my biggest problem is that there aren't enough solid comedies, and it seems now that the big names in comedy have about a four-year or less streak of quality before they start churning out the shit. All three of these movies have the potential to be awesome, or warm-churned shit.
Get Him to the Greek is the spinoff to Forgetting Sarah Marshall; Aldous Snow was such an excellent character that I think I could do another movie with him in it. Jonah Hill is in it too...
The Green Hornet is the new movie from Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, who wrote Superbad and Pineapple Express. Granted, the only thing I know about the Green Hornet is what I learned from the Bruce Lee movie, but they've got Michel Gondry directing (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and they got the bad guy from Inglourious Basterds in it too (Christopher Waltz). Seth Rogen doing a superhero movie could be just what the genre needs. These guys have a ability to perfectly skewer movie conventions.
Paul is from Greg Mottola, who directed Superbad, and Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the guys who cooked up Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. And it's a road trip movie where they make friends with an alien voiced by Seth Rogen, but not the one from Monsters Vs. Aliens, a different one. This should be awesome.
Your Highness is the new film from Danny McBride, the guy who brought the heater in Eastbound and Down. He has his ups and downs in movies, tending to play one character, but hey, if it works. This one has James Franco in it and they go to medieval times, not the restaurant to save Queen Amidala. We'll take what we we can get.
The Other Guys is a new Will Ferrell movie, but at least he's back with his buddy Adam McKay, who he made the big three with- Anchorman, Talladega Nights, Step Brothers- and now he's got Marky Mark to round it out a little bit. Ferrell's due for something good; this could be his breaking point too before entering Adam Sandler World, who's new movie, Grown-Ups, filmed in Gloucester, is not making this list.
MacGruber brings back the glory that is the SNL film. I think I've liked all of them. The movie's based on a one-joke sketch, but maybe the movie will be all right. I mostly included this one because of the picture.
Due Date is coming hot off the heels of The Hangover, being directed by the same guy, Todd Phillips, and taking Zach Galifinakis and throwing him at Robert Downey, Jr. I feel like I would have liked The Hangover a lot more if it didn't piss me off so much, and hopefully this will be more in line with Old School; as in having actually funny people telling jokes.
Dinner for Schmucks is coming from Jay Roach, who cooked up the Austin Powers and Meet the Parents sagas. It's based on a French film- Steve Carrell is playing the schmuck, and Paul Rudd is the guy who brings him to dinner. The script was pretty good, but I can see it really coming to life with these two and Roach at the helm.
The Slammin' Salmon is the new movie from Broken Lizard.
Cop Out I wasn't going to include, because it will probably be rated PG-13, and the title used to be A Couple of Dicks but then they chickened out and changed it, and the first preview isn't great, but it's Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis, directed by Kevin Smith but not written by him, so hopefully it won't turn into a love story at the end. Also, the script was really funny.
Cemetery Junction is the new film from Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, who created The Office and Extras, two of the best TV shows of all time. Ricky's last movie, The Other Side of the Truth, was about half great; here's hoping that Merchant can help bring the other half to perfection.
9.
Let's be honest: we only have to watch a few more of these and then it will all be over and done. They decided to turn it into two movies to make twice as much money (I wonder why they didn't do this a long time ago. Each of these movies makes a billion dollars.) The first one comes out this year and there's a lot of running around in the woods.... come on, you know you're going to see it.
8.
Martin Scorcese is killing it again after The Departed, my favorite movie of 2006. Leonardo DiCaprio finally is starting to look like a grown-up. And it's probably going to be actually scary, which is always a plus.
7.
Jerry Bruckheimer is back! Let's be honest- it's not a true movie summer without Jerry Bruckheimer hitting you with something big and ridiculous. G-Force was all right, but I would have much rather had Tracy Morgan and Nicolas Cage in guinea pig costumes.
This year he's back on track with TWO! We get Prince of Persia with box-office drag Jake Gyllenhaal as an Arabian prince. Dave Chappelle and Paul Mooney weren't far off with Tom Hanks in The Last Nigga Alive. It looks like a bigger version of The Scorpion King, so that's perfect.
And The Sorcerer's Apprentice is based on that one scene in Fantasia, and it's got Nicolas Cage and Jay Baruchel, who was the rookie in Tropic Thunder and was also in the excellent show Undeclared. Both movies look like they're full of CG and should be great wastes of time.
6.
This is a movie about the creation of facebook. It's got the two worst actors of all time in it- Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake. Why is it on this list?
Because it's written by Aaron Sorkin, who wrote A Few Good Men and The West Wing when it was good. It's directed by David Fincher, who has made some of the best movies of the last 15 years, Se7en, The Game, and Fight Club. Even the ones that weren't all that- Panic Room, Zodiac and Benjamin Button- still have an incredible sense of style and mood. There has to be some reason, other than a paycheck, for why he would make this movie. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm hoping for greatness. Also, part of it was filmed at Johns Hopkins.
5.
Besides good comedies, the other major thing lacking from movies these days is the R-Rated action movie. As a young boy-man, these were, without a doubt, my favorite movies. Jerry Bruckheimer used to be the master with a young Michael Bay and others as his apprentices- Bad Boys, The Rock, Con-Air, Enemy of the State. Don't forget Face-Off, Broken Arrow, the Die Hards. Fuck the Lethal Weapons, those sucked.
And then what happened? Superhero movies. They literally destroyed the greatest genre of movies ever. Go back to the start, the 70's- watch Clint Eastwood fuck shit up. Check out The Wild Bunch. These old movies were full of lots of swearing, blood, titties, and good jokes, often funny because they combined swearing, blood, and titties.
Shit man, anyone remember Cliffhanger? The Long Kiss Goodnight? Made by my boy from Finland, Renny Harlin. The Matrix was probably the last movie to have guns in it, it seems like. And it didn't even have blood or swearing or titties or Nicolas Cage.
Now, I may seem like I'm contradicting myself, as Kick-Ass is a superhero movie, but really it's about kids who have no powers but just want to fuck your day up. It's rated R, and Nicolas Cage is in it. Watch the previews and tell me you can't wait for the 80's to come back. Christ, I'll take Tango & Cash or The Last Boy Scout over all three of the Bourne bullshit movies combined.
The Expendables is going to be Stallone's send-off to the good ol' days. And it's got everyone in it. Bruce Willis, Arnold, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, and probably some titties too. If you saw the last Rambo movie, you know that Stallone was just warming up. This one takes place in South America, so expect a lot of Mexicans to get their heads blowed up, chopped off, and punched and kicked off. This really should be number 1 on the list.
From Paris With Love is the new movie from Pierre Morel, a disciple of Luc Besson (The Professional, The Fifth Element), who made a great R-rated action movie last year called Taken, with Liam Neeson breaking the bones of every other guy in Paris.
This one looks like it will be bigger and better, because it has John Travolta and a bazooka in it.
4.
Old and Busted
New Hotness
These are the remakes I'll go and support. Take an old shitty movie with a cool idea, like about how Perseus has to kill every motherfucking monster in Ancient Greece, and make it actually cool and worth watching.
I have no idea if Sam Worthington is the real deal- they just kinda threw him in a bunch of movies off of James Cameron's casting him in Avatar, but hey, he doesn't look like a pussy. He looks like he's ready to chop off Medusa's fucking head and feed it to his horse. Also, it's got Liam Neeson as Zeus. Makes sense.
3.
Yeah! Another Dinardo movie on the list. This one, as you can see, is from Christopher Nolan, who made the last couple Batman movies, as in the ones that are actually worth watching. To be honest, this might be the one movie on the list that turns out to be the most disappointing, but the previews do look pretty good, and at least we don't know what the fuck the movie is about, is what made my two favorite movies this year that much better.
Once again, this is a movie that everyone will be seeing; don't be the loser who misses it and then doesn't know what happens at the end.
2.
Pixar movies will always make this list. The first preview was a little lame, but I'm hoping it's because they're trying to keep a few surprises for the movie. It's worked like gangbusters with the last couple. Although I'm disappointed we're getting a sequel instead of an original story, I am glad that the guys at Pixar didn't let someone else fuck this up and instead went in to make sure it's as good as the first two. For a long time, Toy Story 2 was my favorite film of theirs, and is probably still the best sequel ever made.
1.
I mean, this is the year of Iron Man, just like 2011 will be the year of Transformers. They could not have any more going for them- first movie of the summer, no other big movies really coming out. The first one ended so well to set up an interesting sequel, and should be the first superhero movie where people know the guy's secret identity and worship him. No, Fantastic Four doesn't count because those movies are gay.
Also, it looks like the biggest problems of the first movie are taken care of. The first half of the Iron Man 1 was great, but man did it get boring in the second half, especially once The Dude decided to become bad.
They have an actual bad guy this time around- Mickey Rourke as Whiplash- who looks incredible by the way. Seeing his weapons reminds me a lot of when I played God of War for the first time and couldn't believe that swords on chains hadn't been done before.
Also, you may have noticed something on the poster there. Yeah, there's another Iron Man. And look at the size of his huge ass cannon. I don't mean to sound like a retarded 10 year old with chocolate on his face, but damn, this movie is going to be great.
Well, that's all I got. Oh wait, except for this.
The Least Anticipated Movies of 2010
1.
Fuck you, Dreamworks. This franchise is worse than Spider-Man in terms of declining quality.
2.
I get it; we've run out of ideas. But neither Russell Crowe nor Ridley Scott, or Cate Blanchett, have made anything in recent memory that I even enjoyed a little bit. American Gangster? Kingdom of Heaven? Body of Lies? And wasn't Cate Blanchett just the worst in Indiana Jones? In fact, Ridley Scott's last good movie was Matchstick Men, with my boy Nicolas Cage. I also liked Black Hawk Down, but that was a Jerry Bruckheimer movie more than anything else, and he's the man.
I'd like this to be good, but watching the preview, it seems like the whole movie's zoomed in too much and the camera man's jerking someone off with one hand with trying to film with the other. Judging from the poster and the trailer though, we're definitely going to get lots of shots of Russell Crowe about to shoot an arrow at you with varying amounts of blood (probably not his) on his face.
3.
Pretty Shitty
Really Shitty
If you go on Hulu, you can watch the old A-Team episodes. They really suck.
I just don't understand the casting on this one. That's Rampage Jackson, from the UFC, playing Mr. T, and yes, he has 1 necklace. Just 1?!?!? It used to take Mr. T an hour to put on his chains. And let's throw in Bradley Cooper, AKA the Sak-Man, action hero of the future I guess. And how about Liam Neeson? He's old and wise. And let's get that crazy guy from District 9; no one knows who he is. That should work just fine. And make sure he has just as many necklaces as Mr. T.
4.
Child please. Hey Tim Burton, hey Johnny Depp, any other movies you want to remake for no reason? You keep making them, I'll keep illegally downloading them and watching them and not enjoying them.
The biggest problem with these movies is how fake they look. Too much CGI, too much Johnny Depp trying to come up with a new acting style. Hollywood is a runaway train right now.
5.
You've got to be kidding me. Who wants to see this shit? You can (barery) see the dollar signs in Jackie's eyes. I can just imagine Will Smith trying to get another movie for his kid after this. "Come on Big Willie, you scratch our back, we'll scratch yours." Coming to theaters in 2012....
6.
You know what? These movies are probably harmless. Kinda like Harry Potter, they only have two left. Let's just get them out of our system and move on to a brave new future. I'm just amazed they have this one coming out less than 12 months after the second one.
7.
It wasn't until I saw the preview for this, and it had the Jay-Z New York song in it, that I decided that this shit has gone too far. Two Sex and the City movies and no Arrested Development movie, no Sopranos movie, no The Wire movie; not that I'd want any of these, but still... well, I guess that's point. They only make the ones without integrity. God, if only any of the women on this show were attractive, then I wouldn't have to just make do with Charlotte.
Of course the double standard is that they'd never make this show about four dudes, just like as Dave Chappelle says, they'd never make a female version of the movie What Women Want. America just ain't ready for the truth.
Happy New Year!
