The Latest in Disaster Movies

Get Your Woodhead

Everyone's favorite drug dealer is selling sporting goods now.

I knew I recognized him from somewhere!

New Item at the Blumpkin Store!

Just in time for the holidays, have the one you love get what she really needs....

It's the Blumpkin Hat, perfect for your cruising the internet in total comfort!

And it comes with a French Tickler tassle, which shows that you care.

And now, for those who surf the web on their smart phones, we also have what you need!

Much like BJ's, it's plug and play!

We'll take your best offer. Sweatshops are standing by.

Top 10 Gifts for 2010

1. A Baby - Of course you could use a baby, its a great disguise for robbing a bank.

2. Needles - Every Day is Christmas to a Junkie, no need to celebrate it, but thank godddddd

3. Garbage - Give Garbage, why not, sometimes it smells delicious

4. A Hobo Party- A chance to unwind with the neighbors over a brown bag and a trash fire!

5. Trash can- Oscar the Grouch found it accommodating and its a safe place to burn anything

6. Radio Headphones- The look of the season and a huge hit at your Hobo party

7. Gift Cards- A great way to launder large sums of illegally obtained money. No, your Welcome

8. Rims- what the fuck are you going to do with a set of rims? Asshole.

9. Bus Ticket- Who on a bus isn't getting the fuck out of dodge? Hey, sometimes its your turn.

10 Trailer Hitch Balls- nothing says "your fucking welcome world" like a hitch sack

Kanye's Beautiful Dark Twisted Fanstasy Music Video

Now that Bobby Crooked is on un-employment (aka Bobby Broked), he has time to do the things that you don't. Things like, sleeping 11 hours a day or leaving various car parts strewn all over my front lawn.

I also had time to watch Kanye's 35 minute music video, Runaway, and let me tell you, it is a gem.

And because no one has the time or patients to watch this genius in action lemme break it down for you. NOTE: All of these sentences sounded so ridiculous, that I felt I needed the pictures to prove they ACTUALLY happened. Kanye, you crazy.

It starts with a giant, bird-lady-pheonix, alien that is Kanye's equivalant of E.T.

Then there's a German horn funeral with a giant effigy of Michael Jackson.

Kanye takes the Phoenix on a date to a Black Last Supper with white slaves and fried chicken

Then Kanye bangs the alien, bird lady.

Whoops, wrong one

Then the bird runsaway from earth because no one likes Kanye's music, Kanye cries, and just when everything seems completely crazy.....

Ahhhhh, all is explained.

From all of us at the BRM, I'd just like to say, Thank You, Kanye. And we shall give you your duchebag toast.

Beat me to it. Genius.

Let's Have a Toast for the...

...Birthday Boy!

Drinkenstein In Time For The Holidays

This is borderline the funniest movie I have ever seen and an early marry christmas Mass Cash. As if this wasn't funny enough, the comments that follow this clip on Youtube may be even better. I struck upon a little known social gem; A glimpse at that momentary thought after the introduction to new media that has left me absolutely fucking speechless. And Tonight's Top 5 go to:

1. Michiel89 1 year ago 46
the song finishes....he ripps off his shirt....pulls out an rpg m60 machine gun and a grenade launcher killing everyone

2. NT11593 10 months ago 37
well now we now what Rambo does when there isn't any wars going on.

3. ghostdog7575
1 month ago
wtf??? this is one of the BEST movie scenes of all time! The best of the best of stallone.. by far!

4. Phoenix110189

2 months ago

WTF! How random! Is that really Stallone? Bizarre! Not exactly Rocky! Feel free to call me uncle douche tits

5. emilygracey

4 months ago

Oh, Richard, honey...no. Just no.

RIP Four Loco!

Christmas work

Since Christmas is just around the corner and many people are still suffering the effects of a down economy. (insert political joke here)

I thought I would post a video of a christmas Santa that has had a little too much fun off the job.

BRM wishes all those out there still looking for employment the best of luck in the upcoming holiday season!

Friday...

there are few times in life when a video this catchy comes along.

I can not get the song out of my head...

it has made a day that would have been so hard because I am so hung over, that much better.

Please enjoy.... BABY MONKEY

No longer topical but whatever was?

Why You Should Respect Ed O'neill

This is so cool I'm Fucking Speechless

THE TEA BAG'N EXPRESS IS COMIN' TO YOUR TOWN

So here it is; Yet another exlusive BRM discovery. As a society, I have evidence that suggest we have indeed hit rock bottom. Many have speculated on Fox News, CNBC, the Cartoon Network but none have delivered the hard evidence we have unearthed on this subject. As is customary here at BRM, we have in our hands the exclusive knowledge you need to salvage this glorious nation. We've got a Stump, Let's get a Bus, & Hit America. THE TEA BAG'N EXPRESS IS COMIN' TO YOUR TOWN. This is the kind of discovery that Constantine X could have used to save the Rome empire, right here, right now, for the sake of America. No, were not talking about marking today as the turning point when a combination of Justin Beiber hitting no 1. and this blog's obsession with Kanye West reached a shameful if not disgraceful level. Ed O'neall's life work, during his years on broadcast television and in feature films(Dutch), captured a glimpse of our impending fate but not everyone saw Saint Ed O'neall as a prophet. We of course idolize his early work on Miami Vice. This is for those youngsters out there who think society has ended up in the Toilet. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR PROVIDED YOU DONT EMULATE THESE PEOPLE IN ANY CAPACITY. DO NOT ASK WHERE I OBTAINED THE FOLLOWING CUSTOMER REVIEW for an electric HAIR CURLER from AMAZON.COM. Furthormore, do not question how long I have refrained from sharing this information since I have been busy watching a re-run of Sunday's East Bound & Down while my wife apparently loooked for a new HAIR CURLER. I warn you that this is not palatable to most people. This is a turning point in time, when the empire's glutony, shamelessness, and childless marriages eventually lead to the rise of overseas domenence through unmittigated sex, drugs, free enterprise, handicrafts and house music. All but house music and handicrafts being what made this country great. The following fringe outliers exemplify the essence of our downfall, put here as a warning to those willing to listen. If I had a shoulder fired rocket, I would send one right into these people's house before they could attempt to fein procreation. This is a turning point people, we must stop the direction this country is headed in:

"My husband and i both use curling irons daily on our hair which is
about 5 in long. Jeff is always complaning about how long it takes his
to curl his hair and that his curls don't stay in al long as he would
like. We bought the hot tools 1/2 inch and 3/4 in curling irons for
both of us. Jeff uses the 1/2 and can do his hair in about half the
time because his curling iron is hotter than his old one and he has
the most awesome head of curls that last all day. I use the 3/4 and
also save time and have curls for days. Jeff would have to recurl his
hair if we go out at night and now he curls in the morning and his
curls look great for our nights out. He is now so happy with this iron
and his pretty curls which also keeps me from listening to him
complain about his curls. Great iron for males and females" -Nancy

Hip Hop is Dead Part 2

Yes Homo.

Hip Hop is Dead Part 1

L.R.: Why did you have permanent diamonds drilled into your bottom teeth?

Kanye: I just like diamond teeth and I didn’t feel like having to take them out all the time.

The only possible downside....

kanyewest

I swear my love bracelet and gold & diamond teeth always set off the metal detector

By the way, he bought the love bracelet for himself. Let's have a toast for the douche bags.

In Kanye's words, "I'll never change, I'm too stuck in my ways."

Billy Down the Block....

Young Billy down the block asks the tough questions so you don't have to.

What kind of beer do kids like?

How do I know if a girl's toes are curling? Can I stop what I'm doing and check?

What's a bomer?

Get it while it's hot

New Kings of Leon CD

Come Around Sundown

These links get shut down real quick, so if it doesn't work sorry. plus, you have to click on the slow download, because its free 99.

Download

Review to come, so be excited.

The Gift That Keeps Coming and Coming....

What woman wouldn't want to receive a sterling silver load to sport around her neck as a birthday, anniversary, or holiday gift? Now this is a brilliant idea. I mean nothing says 'I love you' like a pearl necklace, especially a silver one. However, I'm just not sure how many men can justify spending $420 bucks on something that can be had for the price of a few drinks and some conversation.

You can purchase this thoughtful gift for your lady friend or mistress by clicking the link below. Enjoy.

http://www.leahpiepgras.com/objects/gallery/pearlnecklace/index.php

They're getting the Band back together!

Don't worry Pats fans, the prodigal son hath returned!

In news that's only fit to print here at the BRM, the Pat's have once again beat the system, trading players for draft picks, and then somehow ending up with both. I see shiny silver in their future.

And, for those who like picture puzzles.

CHEAP ASS BLUMPKIN EDIT:

For a little stolen humor, http://www.sharenator.com/Yahoo_Answers_at_their_best/

The Truth Comes Out, Bad Blood Bound

BE PREPARED FOR THE HALLOWEEN DAY SHOWDOWN!

10/31/10

VS.

All good bromances must eventually come to an end.

Is nothing sacred?

Halloween is coming up soon, and we all know that means pumpkin patches.

More specifically, much like Christmas Tree lots, kids and their parents decide that they need to make a day out of the process of a grabbing a pumpkin off the ground. In order to entice business, pumpkin sellers have had to resort to some extreme measures.

For example, have any of you seen the movie Titanic?

a dramatic re-enantment of historic events

Well, as John Mayer would say, they tore up paradise and turned it into a astro bounce for little kids.

I think that little kid down there did it....

In case you were wondering, you can exploit anything.

A few more styles

We here in America like variety.

As such, I want more than just a moustache for my ride. And you should do.

The BRM proudly presents some of our unique hairy hood ornament styles.

such as...

For a fierce full-frontal look, might we recommend...

The DutchMasters Classic?

For a little side detailing, try...

The Moon Puppy

And for those of you who prefer to keep business up front, and on top...

It's a party in the back with...

The Gentleman's Horseshoe,

shown here with optional ponytail attachment.

Hot Christmas item....

So it is getting closer to my second favorite holiday.... Christmas!

I love everything about it, the movies (you can find my review of one on this very site!), the lights, the fact that people are actually nicer to one another, but most of all I enjoy buying Christmas gifts.

In fact I like to get my shopping done early and really enjoy the look on people's face when they open that perfect gift.

now I realize not many of you feel the same way as me, in fact many people hate this part of the holiday season more than anything.

Well today I am here to give you the ultimate gift idea!
(Bobby Crooked, please stop reading from here on out as I don't want your gift ruined)

Ok, now this year, if you are looking for the ultimate christmas gift, I present to you....


The Carstache!!!!


You have the firestache for the Albino Rihno



Legendary blond for Bobby...



and what lucky lady wouldn't want so hot pink?!?



So order your's today and give your friends and family the christmas gift of a life time!

Signs of the Times

The 80's were clearly a magical era, judging from the amount of love they've been getting in film and television. With the release of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, It Just Takes Naps this last weekend, I have to wonder if perhaps they're going too far.

This summer, I did not see many good movies. What surprised me though, is how sure I was of which ones were going to be terrible, something that others may tell you is my only weakness. (The week where we went to see Hulk and Charlie's Angels 2 still hurts.) But it really impressed me how many 80's movies they have brought out this season, and how all of them have been god-awful. Here is a list I made:

Wall Street 2

The A-Team

Nightmare on Elm Street

Red Dawn

The Karate Kid - which wasn't that bad, maybe, but I still fell asleep during it

Predators

TRON!

as well as the handful of shitty 80's homages:

Macgruber

Hot Tub Time Machine

THE EXPENDABLES - DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!

I wasn't around for a lot of the 80's, but I can't imagine it was this flat and boring. I mean, there was so much Cocaine! Maybe that was the problem. I was thinking how unnecessary it is to remake Wall Street- the first one is so perfectly 80's, from the music to the use of Charlie Sheen as a main character. Frankly, I'd be pissed if they picked Shia LeBeouf as the modern version of 80's me.

And it's not the first time it's happened. Just ask Harrison Ford.

Even today's music sounds like bad 80's knock-offs. How else do you explain the fake Madonna-isms of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga? The cheap-ass synths and constant bass booms that were so cool in the 80's have somehow returned, and are just as cheap as ever. But the kids love it!

But, we here at BRM don't let little things like this get us down. Bad music and movies are always coming out. So I am here to gather ideas for the best 90's throwback films that we can make 10 years from now. Here are a few of my suggestions:

Ricochet R/C Car

Does anyone remember this thing? How cool would a movie be, with this as the main character? Nothing would stop Ricochet; car chases would be revolutionized. If they're serious about remaking shows like Knight Rider, they gotta do more than just trot out a shinier car. How about one that wants you to try your hardest to crash it?

POGS!

Hell yeah you can make a movie about pogs! Here's the main character-

I can still remember how busted up kids would get when you were playing pogs for keeps. This was high drama. They had to ban pogs at my school because it was worse than gambling. And they're Hawaiian, so you can make a sweet beach bums style film out of it too.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I was going to say Goosebumps, but it turns out they're already making that into a movie, (along with Battleship, the board game!?) so this is pretty much the next best thing. Goddamn did I love staying up late on a Saturday night to watch these. Pretty much the entire Nickelodeon 90's line-up is ripe for reimagining: Hey Dude, Salute your Shorts, Pete and Pete, even the game shows like Guts, and Hidden Secrets of the Mayan Temple could be great. I don't know why Nick has let Disney beat them at their own game- the Disney Channel used to be for bitches. Now they got the Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers ... well, at least it used to be less popular is my point.

13 Dead End Drive

If they're going to make Battleship and Monopoly into movies, then they better throw this one into the mix too. I never played this game, because my parents were poor. But just like I never had my own Power Wheels, I sure as shit had good taste in what was the coolest thing in the world. And while 13 Dead End Drive is definitely not it, sometimes you gotta low-ball a little bit.

That was what the 90's were all about, after all.

I heard that...wish I didn't

Seasame Shore...

Third Base -"I'm Getting Take Out"

Not quite as good as the double rainbow....

Brooklyn's version of a double rainbow...

What does it mean?

I think Weird Al's gonna sue somebody

Inside The Actor's Workshop with Danny DeVito from David Mamet

Our good friend David Mamet has teamed up with Danny Devito and clearly payed him his Troll Toll. But don't get too excited, it doesn't contain a our favorite Mamet daughter, though for a second I coulda sworn it did.

Tales from the Tailgate

I'm really not much of a sports fan, but when given the opportunity to see live sporting events, I can muster up some spirit. Well, I didn't actually get to see the Hawkeyes play in Kinnick Stadium--instead I got to meander through the crowds of adoring fans. Fans who look like this:

And this:

Now, there are currently about 30,000 students at the University of Iowa. And tailgating is a tradition probably as old as organized sports.

It really blew my mind to walk towards the stadium and see a huge sea of yellow. Throngs of people gathered around old pick-up trucks, massive RVs, little Hawkeye tents, and tables laden with food and beverage. It really is an unforgettable experience to be among thousands of people who are as drunk as Uncle Marty at an Irish wake....at 10am. Actually, the true Hawkeye gets the party started upon the first crow of the rooster (I think that's like 6am for non-farming folk).

Cock-a-doodle-doo, let's get wasted!...

...with John Kerry?

Well, I think the best part of my foray into tailgating, besides counting how many black-and-yellow striped overalls I saw or smelling big ass turkey legs (their offical name), was when my friend almost got beat up by one of the drunkest girls I have ever seen. She tried to start a fight when she sat down next to my friend and tried to talk to us. Her eyes were half-open, her words were slurred, and she was fully decked out in black and gold. When we got up, she said to my friend, "Yea, you better leave. You know I could beat you up, b*tch." We sure dodged that bullet.

I do hope to get to go to another tailgating event-- I'd down Yagerbombs and pigs-in-a-blanket with the rest of them. All I need is a sweet pair of overalls.

Product of the week?

Random Thoughts from the MTV Video Music Hoe-wards 2K10

-First off, does anyone else think it's funny that MTV has become like KFC in that they only use their initials? Kinda like how everyone said they can't call it Kentucky Fried Chicken because it's not technically chicken, you can't call MTV Music Television because they don't technically play music.

-Usher was only invited because he brought Beiber.

-Speaking of Beiber, I am going to try him on a new scale that I use to judge boy pop stars. I believe that a male pop star can only write love songs until he actually gets laid consistently. All of the major ones of the past few decades have faltered around their early 20's and stopped making music. Example; when was the last time we heard Justin Timberlake sing?

The only one to make it was MJ, who made pop hits well into his 50's...because he had no interest in getting pussy. I'm sure there is a connection somehow.

-Chelsea Handler is the anti-boner. She's like bitchy single older lady at the family parties that all of your relatives like and you can't figure out why. She's not particularly funny or attractive, but she always brings vodka so everyone thinks she's cooler than she is.

-Katy Perry, Keisha, and Lady Gaga are terrible at public speaking. They are borderline special people. Considering how fake their music is and how moderately attractive they are, I do not understand how they got so popular.

-Tik Tok and California Girls are the same song with slightly different lyrics. Seriously. Youtube them, they have the same beat. I can't believe they are both nominated for 14* awards..each.

*True Fact

-I do like Borno's new favorite band, Florence and the Machine. It is nice to see something honest, original, and not auto-tuned. Kind of unfortunate that MTV doesn't actually play any of these videos anymore. Kind of unfortunate for kids these days, not knowing the joy of watching a 30 minute episode of MTV Jams or Video Mash-up just for one song you really wanted to hear. I remember suffering through some shitty Pearl Jam videos while praying the next one was Gangsta's Paradise.

-I love how both Taylor Swift and Kanye both released new songs at the VMA's. And that both were about Kanye.

-Taylor Swift's original song should have been called, "Kanye I'm not old enough to have heard your music"

-Kanye's original song should've been, "You're no Rhianna, and I'm no Chris Brown"

-Drake should not be famous. His monotone is painful and his rhymes are trendy and lame. Why is hip hop so commercial? I don't want to throw it in the bag, or make it em say ahhh, fly airplanes or even evacuate the dance floor. I want to drive slow, while I got five on it like a g-thang. Baby!

-I hope that song isn't on Kanye's new album.

..and who was this guy?

I remember when I used to look forward to the VMA's. Either i'm losing touch with the youth....or MTV is. Either way, it's depressing.

Instructional video of the day....

how have i not seen this before?

So I was reading my FB feed this evening when I saw this gem of a video:

MA Men 2 from Joey McIntyre

I mean, I ate "Mad Men" up like a quart of fro-yo this summer, but this clip is so G-D silly that I couldn't stop at just one. Now, before I moved out to the Midwest, I spent a bit of time in Boston (by the by, blog posts to come about my experiences tailgating a University of Iowa football game with what felt like 10,000 other Hawkeyes and witnessing a row of cows being milked via metal udder-pump). Let me just say, this clip combines the drunken yet brilliant sense of camaraderie of AMC's Madison Avenue ad men with that raw uncouth quality of Scorsese's Southie Irish flunkies.

In a nutshell, MA Men made me think of the East Coast brethren I left behind. And it made me want to watch this video again:

As much as I'm loving Iowa, the East Coast is just so much funnier. I love watching clips and thinking to myself, "I know people just like that." And I love how Nat Faxon from "Orange County" and "Beerfest" makes an appearance as a gay.

I guess what they say is legit....it's funny 'cuz it's true.

These are our Heroes....

Yes I was that guy. A 32 year old child.

First off, it was great seeing you all again this summer. And I especially liked the family meals we had together- we might consider starting up the Bachelor Pizza blog soon.

As you may know, when I was a young boy, I heard a CD called The College Dropout. I hadn't listened to rap music in a long time; in fact, the last rapper I had supported was Coolio, and my mom threw my Coolio tape out the car window.

Between this new guy Kanye, and the homies from G-Unit, I was all about rap music again. I even bought a G-Unit spinning necklace, which I think got snatched by one of my fans at a concert, or I might have given it to a girl to impress her.

But this Kanye guy was something else. He had the best songs- "She got a light-skinned friend look like Michael Jackson; got a dark-skinned friend look like Michael Jackson (probably still his best line)" everybody wanted to work with him, and he seemed to really care about making good music. It was this crazy overnight success story that turned out to be anything but that.

After that, I got really interested in music production, because I wanted to be the first to find the next Kanye. Of course, it still hasn't happened, so I'll have to end up doing it myself, but that's all right; I can handle it.

The problem is that we used to be able to rely on Kanye. And as wild and strange as he was, he was reliable. He wasn't necessarily humble, but he kept his ego in check and could focus on the music.

Now, well....

Kanye unleashed some gems on twitter today, trying to explain himself as best you can in 140 letters or less a thought. Some people might go about it a different way, but that's Kanye for you.

You can keep up with Kanye and his twittering here, but please don't give him any more followers.

I must warn you, in the words of Kanye...

These tweets have no manager, no publicist , no grammar checking... this is raw

A few of my favorites:

Some people's truth is Kanye is racist... It's not my truth but I do believe it's my Karma.... walk with me...

Huh? So Kanye is still all hung up on this Taylor Swift thing.

With the help of strong will, a lack of impathy, a lil alcohol and extremely distasteful & bad timing ... I became George Bush over night

So you're George Bush now? The same guy who doesn't care about you? And a "lil alcohol?"

This wasn't a night out at the club by the way; this was an nationally televised award show that you can wear suits or leather shirts to. But it is a nice shirt:

It is distasteful to cut people off as a general rule. What's the point of dressing tastefully if I'm going to act the complete opposite?

Oh, and that bottle of Hennessy has it's own twitter as well.

Remember in Anchor Man when Ron Burgandy cursed on air and the entire city turned on him? But this wasn't a joke. This was & is my real life

In case you were wondering, this is a pretty serious thing.

And of course, my ultimate favorite- Kanye, who are you hanging out with?

I was chilling with this white girl having a conversation and she cut me off and said... Hold up... I thought you didn't like us?!

If you google Asshole my face may very well pop up 2 pages into the search.

Something makes me think Kanye has been googling assholes and was very surprised by what he found.

Who's seen the play Wicked? I've seen it 4 times! Other than loving the music acting and costumes... it's my story!!!

The Wicked witch of the west basically is so convicted to tell her truth when she does it she is outcasted by society and turned WICKED

Just to show that Kanye has a little culture, and can see that everything is a metaphor for his life. You see, it's the Wicked Witch of the.... WEST!!

It goes on with Kanye employing some very deep philosophies on his life...

Humanity and Empathy are 2 of the 4 principles at facebook. Those were the 2 principles I was missing on that evening

He then starts going into the layers of Kanye West and the justification for speaking in the third person.

Kanye, come back to us, homie. You don't need to be this guy anymore.

The main reason for me getting all worked up is that Kanye has a new album coming out. More importantly, it's a new rap album. And while I didn't hate 808's and Heartbreak, I am itching to hear the only guy who makes good rap albums make another one. Otherwise it might be time to buy some skinny jeans and start listening to white people music again, and I just can't stomach that right now.

I'm ready to get out of my own way. The ego is overdone... it's like hoodies

I just hope he means it. The problem with reinforcing these negative stereotypes is that eventually we're all going to forget the guy who just wanted a good ass job.