Signs of the Times

The 80's were clearly a magical era, judging from the amount of love they've been getting in film and television. With the release of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, It Just Takes Naps this last weekend, I have to wonder if perhaps they're going too far.

This summer, I did not see many good movies. What surprised me though, is how sure I was of which ones were going to be terrible, something that others may tell you is my only weakness. (The week where we went to see Hulk and Charlie's Angels 2 still hurts.) But it really impressed me how many 80's movies they have brought out this season, and how all of them have been god-awful. Here is a list I made:

Wall Street 2

The A-Team

Nightmare on Elm Street

Red Dawn

The Karate Kid - which wasn't that bad, maybe, but I still fell asleep during it

Predators

TRON!

as well as the handful of shitty 80's homages:

Macgruber

Hot Tub Time Machine

THE EXPENDABLES - DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!

I wasn't around for a lot of the 80's, but I can't imagine it was this flat and boring. I mean, there was so much Cocaine! Maybe that was the problem. I was thinking how unnecessary it is to remake Wall Street- the first one is so perfectly 80's, from the music to the use of Charlie Sheen as a main character. Frankly, I'd be pissed if they picked Shia LeBeouf as the modern version of 80's me.

And it's not the first time it's happened. Just ask Harrison Ford.

Even today's music sounds like bad 80's knock-offs. How else do you explain the fake Madonna-isms of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga? The cheap-ass synths and constant bass booms that were so cool in the 80's have somehow returned, and are just as cheap as ever. But the kids love it!

But, we here at BRM don't let little things like this get us down. Bad music and movies are always coming out. So I am here to gather ideas for the best 90's throwback films that we can make 10 years from now. Here are a few of my suggestions:

Ricochet R/C Car

Does anyone remember this thing? How cool would a movie be, with this as the main character? Nothing would stop Ricochet; car chases would be revolutionized. If they're serious about remaking shows like Knight Rider, they gotta do more than just trot out a shinier car. How about one that wants you to try your hardest to crash it?

POGS!

Hell yeah you can make a movie about pogs! Here's the main character-

I can still remember how busted up kids would get when you were playing pogs for keeps. This was high drama. They had to ban pogs at my school because it was worse than gambling. And they're Hawaiian, so you can make a sweet beach bums style film out of it too.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I was going to say Goosebumps, but it turns out they're already making that into a movie, (along with Battleship, the board game!?) so this is pretty much the next best thing. Goddamn did I love staying up late on a Saturday night to watch these. Pretty much the entire Nickelodeon 90's line-up is ripe for reimagining: Hey Dude, Salute your Shorts, Pete and Pete, even the game shows like Guts, and Hidden Secrets of the Mayan Temple could be great. I don't know why Nick has let Disney beat them at their own game- the Disney Channel used to be for bitches. Now they got the Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers ... well, at least it used to be less popular is my point.

13 Dead End Drive

If they're going to make Battleship and Monopoly into movies, then they better throw this one into the mix too. I never played this game, because my parents were poor. But just like I never had my own Power Wheels, I sure as shit had good taste in what was the coolest thing in the world. And while 13 Dead End Drive is definitely not it, sometimes you gotta low-ball a little bit.

That was what the 90's were all about, after all.