Opening Day had me thinking about an old Red Sox player's autobiography I read back in the day. It took some searching, but I managed to un-earth it using this advanced search method called google. For those who might not have read it I present,
A Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli
9am Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01am Lets out blistering fart, takes a 90 second piss on his hands and farts 5 more times
9:03am Drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and then opens the fridge
9:05am Takes out leftovers from the Kowloon Pupu Platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15am Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17am Takes a dump
9:22am Sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25am Shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30am Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat, naked in front of the mirror and screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight"
9:45am Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans with tank-top and gets ready to leave
9:50am Grunts at his wife & kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow
9:57am Pulls onto RT-1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off and gives the finger to all three of ‘em
10:15am Pulls into Fenway Park, tells young clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in
10:16am Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his families' life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22am Walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a “homo” for the first time today and 350th time this month. Then asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni?
10:27am Takes a another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30am Gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a “homo”
10:33am Stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37am Goes through a 10-minute handshake with his boy Tim Wakefield
10:47am Takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them. He says until he is hitting .250, no music.
10:50am Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DH-ing the first game? "
10:51am Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55am Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 Ave- 72 HR- 52 Doubles- 9 Singles- 6 Walks- 220 K'S
11:17am Writes back response to fan's Letter, "Hey P*ssy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p*ssies like your boyfriend Nomar! "
11:30am Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on
11:45am After no stretching, Dougie steps into the cage and ignores the 5 bunts as standard procedure
11:47am Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48am Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55am Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker
12:00pm Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives
12:07pm Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker
12:15pm Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, Calls Francona a p*ssy. Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
12:25pm Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing, "Dougie is going deep tonight "
12:45pm Takes another dump, uses Nomar's 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe
1:05pm Game starts. Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling
1:25pm Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45pm Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Trenton (minor league) by 7pm tonight
1:55pm Dougie’s 4 Fenway Franks arrive, pays with Nomar's credit card
2:15pm Finishes shopping with Nomar’s credit card, maxed it out on a phone order to Auto Zone
2:30pm Dozes off
3:30pm Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells the whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield
3:33pm Announces himself “ready to pinch hit”
4:30pm Sox lose game; Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him, Francona runs away
5:00pm Dougie tells Nomar “singles are for p*ssies!”
5:30pm Dougie takes Batting Practice again, refuses to bunt
5:33pm Dougie hits 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches
6:00pm Dougie sees his name in lineup, calls Fancona a p*ssy for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling
6:05pm Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25pm Announces that Dougie is going deep tonight
6:30pm Dinner arrives, 2 steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat
6:35pm Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic wedgie
7:00pm Tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt
7:10pm Scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching
7:25pm Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep
7:27pm Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p*ssy and he is taking him deep
7:30pm Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out
7:31pm Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it
8:15pm Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie
8:16pm Fans boo Dougie
8:17pm Dougie tells family of 4 to @#%$ off and steals some kid’s hot dog on way to dugout
8:18pm Dougie is tired and is happy he it into a double play, he did not want to run the bases anymore
9:10pm Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher, catcher and ump all p*ssies
9:30pm 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a p*ssy and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home
9:50pm Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe's Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him
9:55pm Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee
10:00pm Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse 10:10pm Cuts off 4 Red Sox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him
10:25pm Arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on RT-1
10:45pm Sits down at bar and digs into his Pupu Platter for 3
12:00am Stumbles to truck, drives home and parks truck on the front lawn. Goes for a dip in his above ground pool
12:10am Leaves tighty whitey's on his neighbor’s windshield
12:15am Walks into his house naked and screams "Who saw my bomb I hit tonight???"
12:30am Wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45am Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
12:55am Pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15am Dougie passes out on couch
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