Why you should take advantage of your last few months at Rollins.

Below is a list of reasons why you should cherish your time in college.

Life will never be 65% hot female again.

Your days consist of classes, and on a hard day that is maybe 2 hours of class.

When you go to lunch, you will never be able to stroll down to the pool and eat your lunch while women sunbathe.

Women self prescribe themselves ruphees and wine spritzers.

I am sure the rest of the boys can fill in the gap.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR TIME!!!

Gimme that fish...

Is there any shock that after the tremendous advertising that McDonald's has done with its Fillet o Fish that this happened?

I hardly blame the guy, the Fillet O Fish is delicious and just writing about it makes me want one.

The other big shock is this occurred in Jersey....

I Went To The Wrong Schools

Folks, It's time I admit it, I went to all the wrong schools. No seriously, I really did. Sure 7 colleges might seem like enough but this is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about grade school. To the left are the most notorious teacher sex scandels. Notice a theme? Me Too! So whatever douche posted a Lady Gaga video, we at Blumpkin Reading Material apologize for the oversight. We are a serious political news organization relaying heavy handed news stories across public restrooms everywhere. With this I digress to our nations economy; I think that we might want to look into hiring more good looking teachers for the no child left behind program. From the looks of it I was left behind and I'm sure you missed out too. Dr. Obama, if you can hear me, please "stimulate" the economy and the well being of future generations by hiring up some new Teachers like the ones we use to have.......

What Are We Teaching These Kids?

A couple weeks ago, one of our correspondents, DutchMasters, wrote about Reverse Sexyism and how Rihanna and others have been pushing the limits of what can be played on the radio. Well, I wasn't all that sold on his arguments, mostly because I was distracted by Rhianna asking me if I was big enough, but I recently saw a music video that changed my mind.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I had heard this song on the radio, and thought it was stupid. Of course that's when I thought it was about a phone ringing in a club. How ignorant of me. Of course I should have known that the phone ringing was metaphorical for Lady Gaga getting out of prison then staging a mass murder at a diner with Beyonce in tow. Speaking of her, isn't it odd that Beyonce is in this? She must be hitting that age (30) where she's nervous about losing that younger audience, kind of like MC Hammer's new song, "Whatever you kids are into, count me in too".

I don't think Beyonce quite understands what's going on, she just assumes Lady Gaga knows what she's doing. Was it just me or was anyone else waiting for Kanye to show up in this one, with his lonely heart bear. If he liked "Single Ladies" then he's going to love this...

"Best-er music video of all time!"

This may be slightly random, irregardless, I'm a little pissed off by this

Being someone who just spent a few months in a car, I have been listening to a TON of the radio and even more time thinking about what I'm hearing. There is one song that has been pissing me off. It's called, "According to you" by Orianthi (stupid name). Don't listen to the whole thing, it sucks, and you can get the idea after like 20 seconds.

Basically, this girl goes on and on in this song about how, according to her boyfriend, she's boring, moody, stupid, and she can't do anything right. Buttt, of course, there is another boy who, big suprise, thinks she's just swell. According to the other boy, who isn't banging her yet, she's the funniest, most beautiful, interesting girl EVER. Does this sound like bullshit to anyone else? Some asshole who's sweet talking this girl behind her boyfriend's back? Come on Orianthi, at least your boyfriend was still there, even though you tell terrible jokes and are stupid. This new guy is just sweet talking you to get in those plus size jeans. Ladies, watch out for a guy who tells you everything you want to hear, because most of the time, we're full of shit. Orianthi will learn this the hard way when the new guy tells her he has syphilis....according to her!

warning to Rollins students....

Beware of this harmless looking boy answering to the name Butters!

Comedic Service Bulletin

To whom it may concern:

There is a new-ish craze hitting the internet called Chat Roulette. If you haven't seen it, it's basically a site where you can video chat with millions of people around the world one at a time. When you sign in, you're paired with a random person and if you don't like them you click next and get a new partner. This enables you to talk to 100 people in 5 minutes or 1 person for 2 hours. Warning, like everything else on the internet that is open to the public, there are tons of perverts...who will have their dicks out.

See? Everyone's doing it, even the old guy from Family Guy.

I first experienced the phenomenon that is Chat Roulette at a party where the host had it on in the background, which was perfect because it requires no attention, people will come and go if they don't like what they see, so you can just leave it open. Eventually, people got drunk and started mooning, flashing or just relentlessly ridiculing anyone who was brave enough to stay. By the time I left, the Host had spent an hour brushing a stuffed bobcat's teeth while dancing to De La Sol in front of the camera for complete strangers, and people were loving it! It's kind of like being able to invite complete weirdos to a party, but without the danger of them murdering you in your sleep or defiling your mailbox. This can provide for some interesting matchups.

The best part is that for every weird old guy balls, there is a comedic genius.

This guy has been making the rounds on the internet, and apparently just got signed to a record deal after Ben Folds Five gave him a shout out during one of their concerts. They signed onto the site live during a concert and mimicked his improv giving a free show to the users of Chat Roulette.

Log on, check it out, especially when drunk, the results can be hilarious. But, again, watch out for the old guy balls, they can be wicked sneaky. Sometimes they'll have something cute, like a puppy, on the screen. Then before you can say, "Awww a puppy" BAMM! Some wrinkly guy is smashing off.

GO BEARS!

Let's do it Cal!

And one last picture of animals humping for the weekend.

Tiger!

http://deadspin.com/5496451/joslyn-james-did-not-disappoint-with-her-tiger-sext-messages

There are some real classics in here, like this little sequence:

Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

I gotta say- Tiger Woods talking dirty reminds me a lot of that scene in The 40 Year-Old Virgin where Andy is watching the porno, and eventually just puts on Everyone Loves Raymond.

But what really takes the cake are messages like this one:

Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009:
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp

You can tell that Tiger was really in over his head with this broad. Even if you're the richest man in sports, you still can't please a porn star.

I'm also imagining the day when the relationship was getting stale and he had to give in and hook up that Double penetration. Do you call your caddy?

By the way, this might be the worst photoshopping I've ever done.

The O'houligan(N); Webster Dictionary Definition

O'houligans (N)(PL): a species previously identified within the genus douche bag. Making a once a year appearance on St. Patricks Day in celebration of how conformity clearly breeds success. Often seen wearing the same green badge of honor, largely over weight, sometimes employed, keen on fashion, in need of a cigarette or at least a light, this is the proud evolution of island people who have escaped only to drive terribly; drunk or otherwise. O'houligans, mostly roam in packs for fear of isolation and self reflection, often muttering why that "bitch didn't want some of Tommy's shit. He is the bomb man." No I really did hear this today from a kid that looked and smelled like the guy that lives outside the entrance to my garage. The O'houligan only breeds on this one day a year although the result is more often a slew of apologies than a baby O'houligan. This is known as the O'houligan curse. Anyone with a birthday in Late December has a 92% chance of being a direct O'houligan descendant. Scholars have long speculated the O'houligan birthing season as an explanation to why the Blood of Christ is always represented with Alcohol; to some theologians this is a clear indication of his descendants from O'houligans. Often manic, it is recommended not to taunt the O'houligan. It is best to resign oneself from life for this one day, go to work, and abstain from Alcohol to ensure you do not succumb to the obvious aforementioned temptations and find yourself with a phoney limric t-shirt swearing allegiance to the O'houligan clan for ever.

It Insists Upon Itself

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Sampling Soul

This might not be for everybody, but honestly...

If I could, I would spend every day like this.

Exclusive Picture of the First Fat Guy

Obesity has become an epidemic recently, but it has been a serious issue for a lot longer than most people think.

This is also the first guy to invent a fork, so give him props for that.

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Stallone is making a movie about Edgar Allen Poe...

And thankfully, he's decided to let international action star Chow Yun-Fat play the main character!

I'd see it.

My vote for best picture?

They never pick the good ones.

How to get rid of those Night Terrors

And he can sponsor the Snuggie at the same time!

Kanye vs. Kid Cudi

Are these the two saddest guys in hip hop?

They both seem to have plenty of pain in their lives, enough for an album of wrist slitting at least. But who really has it worse?

1. "I've got 99 problems, and they all bitches."

"I've got one problem, and she's a spoiled, little LA girl."

Winner: Cudi. That's a lot of problems.

2. "I've got some issues that no one can see."

"I keep having these visions. And I also have a sports car."

Winner: Gotta give it to Kanye on this. Cudi's "issues" might be more imaginary than Drop Dead Fred. Kanye definitely has a sports car.

3. "I don't have nobody."

"I just can't seem to love you the way I want to."

Winner: Kanye again. What the hell?!? Just do it, Kanye. At least you got someone.

4. "Day and night, I toss and turn, and I keep stressin'."

"Bitches be heartless."

Winner: Hmm... this is a toss up. Neither of these things are really issues.

I would call both of these "issues" truths of life that Kanye and Cudi are exploiting musically worse than the Black Eyed Peas writing a song about how pregaming makes you really excited for how your night is going to turn out.

5. "I've got the heart of a lion."

"I'm amazing."

Winner: Toss up for both of these fruitcakes.

6. "Enter galactic you and me."

"I'm just not in the streets."

Winner: These motherfuckers are both in outer space right now. I don't even know.

Overall: Shoot, Kanye has the money. Kid Cudi slept in his mom's bed til he was 12 because of "night terrors," which are worse than nightmares according to him. And he talks about this like it's going to score him chicks, although he usually just gets really high and ignores the ladies anyway.

It does certainly seem to be raining shit on both of these superstars. At least Kanye is a little funnier about how he deals with it.

Reverse Sexyism

The radio has never been a safe place for kids.

From Elvis onward, innuendos have ruled the airwaves, acting as the almighty urban dictionary of our time. MTV certainly didn't make things any better, as now you could say really dirty things and look like a slut at the same time.

Now, I ain't going to lie- when I was younger I dug it. But these artists are going completely overboard now. And it's not just the men. Shoot, I remember I wasn't allowed to watch MTV because Boyz II Men had a video called I'll Make Love to You that was pretty self-explanatory.

But now the ladies are seizing their sexual independence; I just think they're going a little overboard. It starts with the sex tapes, then the accidental naked pictures that get out, and then these girls feel the need to top themselves, or at least Lil' Kim.

We talked earlier about some of the ridiculous things that artists like 16 year old Justin Bieber was saying in songs- like trying to snag a girlie's V-Card while her parents weren't paying attention, but I think Ms. Rihanna is taking the cake.

First she has this song.

Sample lyrics:

"Yo, Young Jeezy, get hard."

"Yo Rihanna, I'm hard."

"Yo, Dewey Cox, walk hard all over my barbed-wire covered body."

Is this really what kids need to be hearing in order to empower them?

I shook it off, mostly because Rihanna shoots a machine gun in the air while wearing nipple tape as a shirt. But her new song, Rude Boy, is absolutely ridiculous.

Sample lyrics:

"Yo rude boy, get it up. Is it big enough yet? How about now? All right, good. Now take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. Giddy up, ride me, giddy up. Give it to me, you know, like boom boom boom."

What happened to suggestive metaphors about the plumber fixing the pipes?

And this is all stemming off of that crazy whooping that Chris Brown gave her. Who would have thought that he would have turned his girlfriend into such a horndog?

If Costner banged her, I don't want nada

So I was watching Bull Durham the other day- not the best movie, not even a really good baseball movie. But more importantly, as I was sitting there, I was confused. Was it that hard to get some in the 80's that Susan Sarandon was just the cream of the crop if she started throwing herself at you?

Or did the players want her magic baseball voodoo so bad that they would have entertained a Cleveland Steamer from Rosie O'Donnell just to go to The Show?

Then I was thinking about other Kevin Costner movies- something you shouldn't do regularly- and remembered another shitty sports movie called Tin Cup with Rene Russo. Woof!

Anyways, I realized that, not only does Kevin Costner really bother me, but these actresses that Hollywood gives us are all pretty nasty, especially in these sexpot roles they keep ending up in. Here are a few more that really ...

DREW BARRYMORE

GLENN CLOSE

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

THE CAST OF AMERICAN PIE

BOTH OF THESE GIRLS

Now, I realize that the pretty girls are also terrible actresses, but man, it is tough to watch to some of these chicks for a whole movie.

Of course we can't have Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron is every movie, but at least give me Rachel McAdams or ...

Exactly- we ain't got shit!

And don't give me this whole "I'm probably uglier than all these girls combined." My picture has been on this site plenty of times and we all know that that's not true. Even more, these women are Hollywood superstars, fifty feet tall seen by millions of people. They're meant to be objectified and scrutinized.

Would I take Megan Fox and Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel, three of the worst actresses of all time, over these other doggy dogg thespians?

I'm just saying that the middle ground is a lot more barren than it should be.

Any chicks I need to add to the list?

Logorama!

Check out the Academy Award-winning animated short, Logorama!

Full of car chases, swearing, and an evil Ronald McDonald.

I like it when the Nickelodeon logo pops up after they spill the drink.

The Dopity Dip-Dap Dopeness

Luke: The Dopeness Review

Introductory Thoughts

As a man who has listened to this album, and the instrumentals, more than twice, I feel I can safely say that, other than the creators, I have heard this CD more than anyone else on the planet. After my second listen, while completely shit-faced, I came to feel a serious connection with it, and you can too.

The Raps

Luke's verses range from cocky to sorrowful, but always with the constant flow of someone who knows his craft. His lyrics are clever like Eminem, often weaving multiple lines together in complex jokes and metaphors that take a few listenings to fully appreciate, but he flows like a Jay-Z with his ability to just plow through verses with the authority of a much more experienced rapper.

Some of the quips and puns had me laughing with their cleverness, and his abiltiy to combine modern pop culture with retro references is a serious talent. I dare any modern day rapper to sound as cool while discussing Blue's Clues.

The Beats

BG weaves a story with this album. While at first glance, these may seem full of horns and drums usually associated with a happy feeling, this album is much more morose than you'd ever believe. Now I don't mean that in an emo way, because the hopelessness in The Dopeness is not meant to be depressing.

Hip Hop has always been about struggle, starting with the early samplings of 70's soul music, it's meant to uplift with its message. This may sound backwards, but it works because knowing someone else feels sorrow makes us feel a connection to the music. This is what helps us pull ourselves out of that 2:30 pm funk and helps us get through the rest of the work day. Music is what gets us through when all else seems hopeless. Even the funkier beats manage to stay cool by adding a feeling of swagger.

Only certain people can pull this off, like how Hank Moody can still come off as a lovable innocent while banging a chick wheelbarrow style; it's all about honesty. I was around for most of the process while BG was making these beats, and by locking himself is a poorly furnished, small apartment in one of the most depressing towns in Massachusetts, BG tapped into a section of the human spirit most people feel, but cannot express. That is what makes this album so relatable. It weaves familiar musical elements like Santana, Jack Johnson, 70's soul and funk and my personal favorite, Toto. (It's there- listen closely at the end of Understood for Africa).

BG once told me that his beard can sometimes represent the level of his own personal suffering and while writing this album he looked like a dirtier, homeless, Lebowski.

NOTE TO THE PUBLIC: this was all for your musical enjoyment, cherish it.

Could This Be A Voice For The New Generation?

I fuckin' hope so. We're passed the pissed off rappers of the 90's and 2000's. Jay-Z: news flash, you are no longer slinging rocks on the corner. Eminem, you're no longer poor, stop pretending to pacify your audience of 13 year old boys. As Bart Simpson put it, "making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel."

Luke manages to break a mold by being fully honest about himself and his nature. He and BG are both well educated, clever, white kids who didn't have to grow up on the street to realize that the world can be a fucked up place. I love Be the Smooth You Want to See in the World. It's honest and refreshing. Plus, it doesn't rely on objectifying hos to be sexually relevant. Have you heard about this poor generation of girls growing old and finding out they have prolapsed rectums from taking Slick Rick too seriously? It's fucked up, google it.

It's those types of crazy stories that make Luke such a nice change. Listening to this album I can't help but think, "Thank God I'm not the only one who worries about what the kids are hearing on MTV, because it sure as shit isn't music." By injecting samples like Curtis Mayfield and Bill Withers, BG is introducing a generation to a funk they may have missed. Growing up, I thought I loved Hip Hop because the music was unlike anything I'd ever heard. Then I grew up and realized that most of them barely even change what they sample and rap to. Example: Kanye's My Way Home.

But while Kanye is popular with the youth, most kids claim to hate "oldies" not knowing it's the same thing. In a music world of ever growing annoyingness, filled with ref whistles, car horns, sirens, and lazy hooks (I'm a B); The Dopeness is the type of album that gives me hope. Not for my generation, cause we're fucked in the head already, but just maybe, if this is what the kids could listen to, maybe in a few years we'll have more scholars and less prolapsed rectums.

Sidenotes and General Ramblings

Download

For those lazy folks who won't listen to the whole album, the stand out track is Understood. I may be prejudiced as I listened to the beat on repeat as it was being made, but the added voice of this chick named Maria is beatifully haunting as it plays throughout the track.

The stolen De La Soul beat feels a little out of place, but is saved by some slick singing on the auto-tuned hook.

Congratulations to Luke for managing to find the only 3 good quotes from The Wackness. I loved the intro; it is possibly the best CD begining I've ever heard. I could listen to a fucked up Ben Kingsley all day long.

Separated at birth?

Well, the Oscars was pretty good.

I guess this was the year we decided to recognize that we were fighting a war in Iraq, so congratulations to The Hurt Locker.

Sucks to be you, Avatar.

Congratulations to all the nominees- that really is winning within itself- and congratulations to all the people who had starred in John Hughes movies; you really deserved a standing ovation.

And congratulations to Macaulay Culkin for still being alive.

But what really amazed me was how much shine they were giving to Precious: based on the novel Push.

If there were ever a movie I did not have any interest in seeing.

And is it just me, or did Precious' real-life mom look just like James Brown?

The Legend Continues

Click Here to Download

William Gale a.k.a DutchMasters, a.k.a. BGeezie & Kuya J a.ka. Tuna Macaroni & Geez a.k.a. Buck Finn & Flipper Jay a.k.a. Buckleberry and Hooka Joe a.k.a. Billy down the Block & Jay off the Boat a.k.a Billy the Kid & the Dolphin a.k.a Merlin & Sir J-A...Y a.k.a. St. Nick & Buddha a.k.a. Popo Gigo & The Dark Elf a.k.a. The Inverted Oreo a.k.a. The Inverted Corkscrew a.k.a. The Swedish Helicopter a.k.a. Big Finn a.k.a. Out-Rebound you all day a.k.a. Fourth Time's the Charm a.k.a. Get Beered a.k.a. Three Beer Cheer a.k.a Spaghetti Dinner a.k.a. Deuce-Deuce a.k.a The Number 23 a.k.a 2-2 a.k.a #21 a.k.a. Raoul Clemente Jr. a.k.a. Just Blaze's Hebrew cousin Russ Flamawicz a.k.a. The Ghetto Chopin a.k.a The Brahms Ear a.k.a. Ludwig the Def a.k.a. Oldboy a.k.a. Old Bay Seasoning Salt a.k.a. Cookie Dope a.k.a. The Pac 10 East of the Mississippi and North of the Mason-Dixon Line a.k.a Terrorist Threat Level Black, a.k.a Blowin' a Gale...

Whatever you know him as, has released a new album. Aptly titled, "The Dopeness", it has been cooking in the studio for sometime. This is a joint release between Dutchmasters Records and a Baltimore based band, A Cool Stick. BG mixed up the groovy beats, while the rapper Luke lends his vocals to the tracks that should appeal to all fans of good music. Download the tracks, share em with your friends, spread the good word.

Click Here to Download

PFF is good for the win

2010 Sexual Moves

We all know about the Cleveland Steamer, Rusty Trombone and Dirty Sanchez, but we all knew about them 10 years ago. It's time to update our vernacular. The folks at collegehumor have put together the "now" list of sexual moves.