South American Dominance, African Disappointment, and European Embarrassment

The World Cup. Ahhh.... heroin for some... a Tylenol PM, Xanax and Ambien cocktail for Stephen Colbert and most Americans.

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Skip to 2:48 of the link for the Colbert's soccer views or watch the whole clip and observe the transition he makes between MJ's Hitler-esque stash to the World Cup with the line, "Speaking of crimes against humanity." Hilarious, satirical, tongue-in-cheek, hauntingly accurate.

Whether you are a compulsive addict, a casual observer, or Stephen Colbert, this is the break-down. Take it or leave it.

First of all, god bless Alexi Lalas. There was a beautiful moment shortly after the conclusion of the England-Algeria match during the post-game analysis when Alexi Lalas was asked his opinion regarding Egland's poor performance thus far in the cup. With English fellow analyst Steve McManaman so dejected that he could do nothing but slump his face to the ESPN desk and sulk, Lalas shrugged and responded promptly with a blunt, "They're just not that good." Priceless. Especially considering the brash and condescending assumption of the entire British empire that they epitomize soccer excellence above all other nations.

Apart from the Dutch, who have passed their way around the overmatched Danish and the puny, metrosexual trickery of the Japanese, Europe's major powerhouses have been exploited and flat out embarrassed thus far. From the timid impotence of English nerves, to the effeminate soap-opera castoffs that comprise the Portuguese line-up , to the completely washed-up nature of the timeless immorality and utterly shameless deceptive tactics of the aging Italian cheaters, to the pathetic comedy routine that has become the performance of the self-destructive megalomaniacs of France. Seriously France, you showed more heart in the opening stages of World War II. With Spain and Germany each losing 0-1 to the Swiss and the Serbs respectively, the Dutch endure as the only major European powerhouse to not offer supremely disappointing efforts . Incidentally, Daniele De Rossi, if you had a soul or any semblance of respect for yourself as a man (or if the officials had not begun to ooze incompetency over the last couple days), New Zealand would have defeated the reigning Italian champions today.

Overall, bounce-back performances are virtually guaranteed from the likes of England, Spain, and Germany. Portugal has a tough road ahead but they are dangerous nonetheless (no matter how spectacularly the epitomize every negative stereotype surrounding the beautiful game). Italy and France... please. The Italian approach to victory is a virus, currently heavily infecting the likes of Portugal and Japan (among several others), and a bevy of assorted individual footballers (from almost every nation) who have decided to turn in their man card. If anyone saw Kaka's second yellow card against the Ivory Coast you know what I'm talking about. Whatever, the bottom line is the fantastic ecstasy of watching these pretentious rapists of soccer integrity finally suffer and struggle.

Africa is a whole different enchilada. In the soccer world we treat African ineptitude as Giants fans treated Barry Zito during his first few seasons in San Fran. The timeless parental reaction of 'we're not angry with you, we're just disappointed.' The target is too easy. At this point we're all just kind of pulling for them out of pity. So far they've notched just one victory in Ghana's 1-0 win over Serbia, scoring on a penalty kick. In fact, besides Siphiwe Tshabalala's spectacular strike in South Africa's opener against Mexico.

Ghana's penalty conversion was the only goal scored by any of the 6 African teams in the opening round. Thus far in the second round-robin match-ups, Nigeria lost its cool and received a red card (yeah, the victim earned an oscar for his reaction to non-contact encounter, but the Nigerian is beyond brain-dead to make the confrontation). In South Africa's second match, their goalie (Khune) became only the second keeper in World Cup history to be shown red. These are cardinal sin mistakes that make winning almost impossible.

For the Africans, the bigger picture goes beyond these particularly flagrant blunders. It's not two senseless plays, its the total lack of commitment to intellectual tactics that allows such physically dominant and talented players to be made fools of. It's embarrassing. We all want so much for them to succeed, but their story is a metronome of broken records. Their tactics are juvenile. Their touch is unpracticed. Their decisions on the ball are dumbfounding. Passing and trapping are constant struggles. Let us have sympathy for these men. When the Dutch move the ball, it never leaves the ground unless necessary. African passes are bouncing all over the place. African first touches (aka traps) seep to surprise the players as if they have no control over its direction and have to react instead of dictate control.

This is soccer 101. This is little league stuff. Besides Drogba, Eto'o and Tshabalala's 'Angels in the Outfield' miracle strike, every single African player has flat out soiled their sheets when they find themselves anywhere near the goal. I've seen bundles of 35-40 yard attempts, irrelevant crosses that sail out of play, and single attackers attempting to beat 3 defenders on selfish quests. These athletes are phenomenal. Their physical abilities are usually superior to those of their opponents, their passion is unmatched. These are all the reasons why watching these teams play is like watching Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents, sans happy ending. Painful.

I love good soccer. Chili is nasty and are going to make some noise (they play in about 4 hours so heads up), Argentina and Brazil elicit goosebumps, while Uruguay and Paraguay look like they'll advance. I don't know what they put in the water in South America, but you have to prefer their success to the vindictive western-european attitude. Alexi Sanchez for Chile tomorrow... watch for him he's nice.

Notice the western-european clarification. Serbia, Slovenia, Slovakia... all wild cards and dangerous at any time. Nationalism is a strong motivating factor (ask Archduke Francis Ferdinand). Forget the Slovenian fool who said that the disallowed goal was rightfully a foul on Bocanegra and that we were lucky to tie.

Its like this: the World Cup is a big deal. Not necessarily for America, but on a global context it is basically an international johnson-measuring contest. These people care. You can tell good soccer like anything else... when its good time flies, it's halftime before you blink. When it's bad you contemplate suicide. The one ubiquitously positive aspect of this cup is the commentary and the absence of JP Dellacamara. Damn. The last world cup could only be watched on mute. Harkes is by far the weakest link this year but the other 5 are so quality that we can forgive the annoying voice inflections and John-Madden-like obvious analysis of Harkes. I love that Mike Tirico, Bob Ley, and Chris Fowler are the official interpreters of the world cup for the vast majority of Americans who have no clue what Alexi and his fellow analysts are talking about. The plot continues to thicken. Don't give up on us, we have organization, preparation, and heart. Anything can happen this year. USA. USA. USA.