You Shoulda Hung Out, Man

So I went to a pretty big party at my school this weekend, and let me just say that being sober around a bunch of very drunk kids is an extremely enlightening experience. Now why was I sober? Good question--I had to work this party and thus needed to be alert. So at my post as a bouncer, I had the pleasure of being in the front row of quite the shitshow. Watching drunk guys trying to pick up even drunker girls, people tripping up the stairs, and scantily-clad girls dealing with serious wardrobe malfunctions (I'm talking about you, Ms. Wedgie--don't pull up your skirt to yank your undies out of your crack. Keep it classy: no underwear = no wedgie) was fun, but it also hurt my heart a little. Here are some observations from my Friday night:

1) If you're a guy, don't wear a long scarf. Inside. With your shirt opened at the top. And your chest hair poking out. And a cigarette tucked behind your ear.

2) Ladies, when you're dancing and grinding up on some dude, don't try and put your hands in his pockets. There's nothing in there for you. Also, don't dance on the periphery of the party. Get in the thick of the action.

3) Don't steal the tap. Because Public Safety will crack down on you. And don't lie to the rent-a-cops, either. Because they'll tell on you. And that means squad cars will be coming for you. You don't want to be forced to explain to dear ol' Mom and Dad that you're in a holding cell because you stole a beer keg tap at a party.

4) Dude in the Burgundy Shirt, when someone tells you to do something (like stop blocking the stairwell) don't look a girl in the eyes and say, "I want you to make out with me." Because there's no way she's going to say yes to that kind of pickup line. Ever.

5) Baseball caps at night--why? What do you need to shield your eyes for? It's dark!