Worst Movies of 2009

Let me be the first to say that 2009 was full of shitty movies.

Now, I saw a lot of bad ones this year, but to be one of the worst movies of the year, you really got to piss me off. There's something about the worst movies that, somehow, make you feel sickly compelled to watch it again- to confirm your suspicions that you feel dead inside solely because of a movie. You just can't escape them.

For the record, the worst movie of all time is Spiderman 3, and I've watched it like four times.

A big rule for watching these movies is to make sure you never ever see them in theaters or even rent them- they must be illegally watched at all costs. Spending money on these films is like requesting the dirty hooker with HPV; "Gee, that sounds exotic."

Now, a few movies didn't make the list, such as I Love You, Beth Cooper (actually, that one should make the list, but you haven't even heard of it so what's the point?) or Dance Flick (I can't include this one because I watched it in fast forward). Couple's Retreat was pretty terrible too, except it did have its moments, mostly when Kristen Bell wasn't in it. I'm starting to notice a trend with her, by the way; something along the lines of She's Cute, but She is Just Awful.

Other awful movies this year included Push (wow), Race to Witch Mountain (The Rock as a bad-ass taxi driver fighting a guy-in-cheap-suit alien bounty hunter almost makes it worth watching), and, of course, Love Happens(I didn't see it, but come on.) Jennifer's Body wins the award for "Who the fuck wanted to see this movie?" An ugly Megan Fox puking up blood, cannibalism, maybe some humor- and they wonder why it didn't sell...

All About Steve

One movie that a lot of people have been putting on their lists of worst movies that I feel doesn't deserve it is All About Steve. Is it the worst movie of the year? Yes. But, I promise you've never seen a movie that does what it's trying to do so well. It's half a pretty good movie- three dudes on a road trip covering the news. But man, once you put Sandra Bullock in it, it just goes completely off the the deep end. There's a baby with three legs and debate as to whether to chop one off. DJ Qualls drives a Pinto and makes celebrity faces out of old apples. And then a bunch of deaf kids fall in a cave on their way to a fair. And then Sandra Bullock falls in the cave, and a deaf girl tells her she talks too much.

The title of the movie comes from a crossword puzzle that Sandra Bullock makes for Steve, where all the clues are about Steve, even though she's only known him for an hour.

It's one of those movies where they tried really hard to do everything wrong, and guess what? They did it!

Now for my list of the worst movies of the year:

Crank 2

I don't know, maybe you're like me, and you liked the first Crank. You got the joke, you dug the style. But maybe you're also like me and you thought that when you fall out of a helicopter over a city and hit a car and then bounce and smack into the pavement, that means the movie is over, and you are dead.

The biggest problem with this movie is they ran out of gags. It's the exact same movie, and in no way did they make it better, or even as good. Instead, by upping the ante, making everything more crrrraaazzzyy, the fun and humor is gone. You feel like the guys making it are just throwing bullshit on the screen- Is this what you want? How about this? Hey look, another sex scene! This time it's on a race track. Oh, someone get the fire hose.

He doesn't need energy this time, he needs electricity! What has electricity? Car battery! Transformers! Yeah, it might kill him, but... oh forget it. Let's just make nothing kill him.

I hate to say it, but there was a sort of realism in the first one that made it believable, and as such, enjoyable. Here, there are no consequences. It reminds me a lot of the end of Matrix 3- that fight scene where the two of them just start trading punches in mid air for no reason. I guess fighting on the ground got boring.

And so at the end of the film, Jason Statham is on fire, and says "Fuck You" to the audience. Just because we never feel better watching a movie than when we're directly insulted for watching it.

Wolverine

This was a BAD movie.

It starts off kind of funny though, showing that every war America has fought in was won by Wolverine and Sabretooth. If you look at the deleted scenes of Saving Private Ryan, you will see Sabretooth climbing up into each of the machine gun nests on the beaches of Normandy clawing up Krauts.

The movie's still kind of good with the super crack team of mutant bad-asses. Each one can do something cool- Sabretooth can climb up concrete (a power he learned back in WW2) and the Asian guy can shoot a lot of people and reload his guns cool. And the guy from Lost can stop a tank shell with his fist?! Don't forget the guy from Lord of the Rings (also from Lost I just realized) that can control an elevator with his mind. Of course, Ryan Reynolds can cut bullets in half, and be really annoying. And will.i.am can be the black guy pretty well. He can also teleport, as seen here.

Then the movie gets bad. Wolvie's chick dies, but not really. He boxes a really fat guy. He meets Gambit, who doesn't want to help at first, but then after Wolverine cuts down the ladder that he's on (at about the 2 minute mark)...

...They fly to a secret island in New York City that supposedly you can't find without Gambit.

And then Ryan Reynolds comes back and has swords in his arms the length of his arms- makes it tough to use your elbows.

And then... look, it's fucking inane.

Movies don't get much dumber. Wolverine gets shot in the head with a special bullet so he forgets everything and then the weird changes they made in this movie make magical sense in all the other movies. A bullet that is made out of the same metal that he is covered with. As in, it is no stronger or weaker. As in, it shouldn't do shit, least of all, give him amnesia. But I guess this way, when he meets his old boss again in X-Men 2, he won't realize it's a different actor.

Oh, and so they're on an island, and the chick tells the bad guy to walk until his feet explode, and the next scene we see him on the mainland. Did he walk underwater or something?

And as a final note, every superhero in this movie has the power to jump 50 feet in the air, sometimes 100 if they're feeling real frisky, except for Wolverine, who has to get thrown or blown up to get anywhere.

As a sidenote, there is a bootleg copy of this film on the internet without all the effects finished; it is awesome, and one of the best movies of the year. And you can finally see Hugh Jackman without the CGI muscles.

Hate to run into him on the 8th day.

G.I. Joe

I've already posted a lot of my thoughts on this film, so to sum up my G.I. Joe experience: it would have been the worst movie I ever saw in theaters- worse than The First Wives' Club.

There's just so many little moments in this film that make it so awful. Like the fact that Marlon Wayans is in it. Although, the movie might have been better if all the Wayans brothers and cousins had been in it.

Or the fact that Snake Eyes has lips on his mask. It's like nipples on a batsuit. And every once in a while, for fun, he'll walk upside-down on his swords. Or maybe just the fact that he even bothers with the blade because he also has a gun, which is consistently more effective.

There's a moment in Paris where the white ninja has a rocket launcher and is about to blow up the Eiffel tower, and he kicks open a door to shoot out the window, but there's a woman's scream, so he leaves and goes to the next room, which has even more people. How nice of you to not disturb that one woman with your rocket.

Or how about right after that- the fact that the missile of course has a self destruct button, big and red, but no re-destruct button? And guess who jumps onto the helicopter just in time to hit the button? In a special suit that is worn once in the whole movie and never again, although it is clearly superior to just going into a situation hanging out with your wang out.

Shit, Brendan Fraser shows up to declare that a guy is definitely a Joe.

Also, there is no bootleg cut of this film, but the effects are so bad that this might as well be it. Here is a shot from the deleted Iraqi torture scene.

Land of the Lost

There's not a lot I want to say about this movie.

It was really unfunny. It probably means that Danny McBride and Will Ferrell are done making funny movies.

It also means that, 15 years later, the best looking CG dinosaurs are still found in the film Jurassic Park.

There's a scene where Will Ferrell covers himself in piss.

Also, the film's fast food tie-in was Subway! The last movie to do that was Coneheads. If that's not a shot in the foot, I don't know what is.

Watchmen

I'll finish this list off with the only movie of these that I did see in theaters, and it is actually worse than the First Wives' Club, I just didn't want to spoil the surprise.

What a long, unbearable movie.

Maybe parts of this movie are good. Maybe the effects were kind of cool. Maybe the story has an important meaning. But all these maybes don't mean shit if I have never wanted to leave a movie theater worse in my entire life.

This movie doesn't need to be three hours long. Half of the fucking thing is in slow motion!

And there doesn't need to be this much blue penis. There really doesn't. And it doesn't need to waggle around.

The best part about this movie was a guy called Rorshack, and basically he looked and sounded like a hobo Batman. But he was pretty good at fighting. However, the movie stopped dead in its tracks every time his voice-over kicked in: "Rorshack's journal... something unimportant being said in a fake-intellectual streetwise way;" usually something about water on the street looking like blood or police sirens crying out like obese babies or some shit.

It's a movie about old-ass washed up dudes who pretended to be superheroes in the 60's. And it's made by the guy who made that dudes in the shower movie 300. It's 3 hours long, and it's really boring. There is one action scene in this superhero film.

Do not watch this movie.

By the way, when you google big blue dick, this is what you get.