The Biggest Disappointment of 2009: Movies

I know that we all had a lot of disappointment in 2009- New England sports struggled in the playoffs, the San Francisco teams couldn't even muster winning records, and we all should have gotten laid a lot more.

But worse than the fact she was 17, and wouldn't stop crying afterward, is how disappointing movies were last year.

One of the main reasons I don't go to the movies anymore is that even the movies that look guaranteed to be great... usually suck. So why should I even be disappointed? Because due to negligence of general health issues, I have a very short memory and don't learn from my mistakes.

Now, it's pretty easy to go to the movies, sneak in a bottle of wine, maybe some whiskey, knock back some cough syrup, and all of a sudden, you understand why the 10 year-old behind you is elbowing him mom about how cool it is that Bumblebee is blowing up Sam's house because the toaster's a Decepticon.

But we gotta be able to do better than drunken Harry Potter and Transformers for entertainment. Here are some of Hollywood's weak points.

Lame lead characters

First and foremost, if your movie had "Land" in the title, it was not good. I've already written about Land of the Lost, but two others in particular really got under my skin, mostly due to one glaring problem that both films shared. I am talking, of course, about Adventureland and Zombieland, and what do these two films have in common?

This guy is the Milhouse to Michael Cera's Bart Simpson.

Man, you could not have a less likeable main character. Jesse Eisenberg somehow keeps getting work though. Adventureland is a nice enough, but one we've seen before, and a lot better- specifically, Meatballs. There is nothing worse than watching your main character shyly stumble his way along the whole film, going nuts over a little smooch from the Twilight chick. Look, I know we all want to get laid before we go to college, but you don't have to be such a pussy about it.

In Zombieland, I'm pretty sure the reason he's survived it that he is too much of a loser to get eaten. When you're not even appealling to be eaten by brain-dead zombies, shoot yourself.

And he keeps ruining the movie. In one of those "last boy, last girl on earth" situations, he still can't score with the main chick. She'd rather get at Woody Harrelson (although, who wouldn't?)

Eisenberg's character doesn't even smoke weed or party with the other guys. And, not to give anything away, but at one point in the movie we meet a surprise character who could make the movie totally awesome, and guess who kills him? What a wet blanket.

R-Rated Kinda Comedies

After the success of 40 Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up, Hollywood finally brought back the greatest genre of film, the R-rated comedy. If you're an 80's baby, you remember these films fondly. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, someone lost their balls and Caddyshack and Animal House were turned into Click and Evan Almighty.

I'm not saying that you can't make a funny PG comedy, but I am saying that R-rated movies are just funnier, and often have titties. The dearth of titties in comedies, replaced with balls, is a whole 'nother rant.

I feel like we're letting the kids down. Remember how much fun it used to be to watch movies that you really weren't supposed to, and laughing your ass off. The kids these days have nothing to laugh at.

Movies like I Love You, Man, Observe and Report, Extract, The Goods: Live Hard & Sell Hard, The Men Who Stare at Goats, and, yes, The Hangover, all had great bits, but none felt like the classics they should be. In fact, the biggest problem with these movies is how few jokes they had in them. Most of the experience watching them was pretty static. Why is it that an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or The Office or even The Cleveland Show is funnier than most movies? It hurts to say it, but this was my favorite R-rated comedy of the year.

It might be a little hypocritical, considering how many balls were in it, but, goddamn it, Bruno was hysterical. Maybe you're more of a Hangover guy, that's fine, but why is it that every person I talked to told me how funny the end credits of that movie was, and why the DVD is advertising "100 new photos"? Because the funny part of the movie was the part they didn't even bother showing!

I understand; it has a cool hook, some good lines, whatever, but why don't we get to watch them steal a cop car, an Asian gangster, a tiger, and a hooker's baby? That sounds like a pretty good movie, not just a hysterical photo album.

At least Bruno didn't pull any donkey punches.

Not-that-good Good Films

I would not be surprised if Avatar wins Best Picture at the Oscars this year. It's not the most sophisticated film in terms of depth or substance, but it has no competition. Mostly due to the writer's strike, and a lot of laziness, we really got the shaft in terms of award-winning films this year.

Up in the Air was pleasant enough, with everyone just kind of going through the motions. But by the end of the movie, you kind of feel that you're right back where you started.

The Lovely Bones was just weird; I don't know if anyone on that film knew what the hell was going on in that one. But then again, they tried to make an uplifting story of child murder.

The Coen brothers brought out another minor film in A Serious Man; I got the feeling that they just really wanted to make a movie about how tough it was growing up Jewish in Minnesota when you owe the drug dealer down the street 20 bucks. A nice little idea, sure...

The Road is definitely the feel-good movie of the year. Cannibals stockpiling people in their basements, a gun with one bullet to help a little boy and his father commit suicide, no sunlight, food, shoes, or toothpaste- classic screwball apocalypse comedy. Probably the bleakest movie of all time.

I liked Inglourious Basterds all right- the movie had some of the most memorable scenes of any movie this year- but that's all it was. There was no flow to the story. It went the way of The Departed and just decided to kill everyone when it didn't know what to do with a character. If you want to make a movie about a Jewish chick who escapes the Nazis and then tries to kill them later, why is Brad Pitt in it? This was two movies that did not go together, and as such, both suffered.

And the award for Worst Fake Good movie goes to Where the Wild Things Are. There are few movies that do less, and act like they've accomplished so much. People keep saying how this was such an accurate portrayal of childhood. At what point in any of our childhoods did we go to an imaginary jungle paradise and just talk to 10-foot tall monsters about their feelings for 2 hours? Not one fucking thing happened in this movie. Drop Dead Fred is a much more accurate portrayal of childhood.

Boring Action Movies

Far and away, the best action movie this year was The Hurt Locker, if only for a sniper scene in the middle that really tweaks the formula.

Ever since Die Hard 4, I've started to learn to accept that the traditional action movie is gone. We're never going to get another Face/Off. We're not even going to get another Con-Air. But give us something better than superhero movies.

Instead, we get Terminator 4.

How many times are we going back to the past to try and kill the same guy? Why make a movie that's supposed to be about a war and not have one battle in it? Why make these movies without Arnold? Even worse, why spend as much money as they did putting in a CG Arnold? Hopefully, the fact that this movie bombed will help someone realize that the last thing we want is fourths.

Of course, Spiderman 4, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, and Jurassic Park 4 are all in the pipeline. Do your part and don't go see any of them. You remember how much you hated the third one.

We also get 2012.

Woody Harrelson, once again, was the best part of a movie.

Now, of course 2012 had great effects. It's big and fun, full of corny jokes. But damn, are we really supposed to enjoy a movie like this where billions of people die, usually on-screen?

And man, Mother Nature really had it out for John Cusack. First she sicks an everlasting earthquake on him, as a big crack follows him in his high-powered limo halfway across LA. Then she takes it easy on him for a few minutes, but then he walks right into her trap again, as he goes to the biggest volcano ever just as its erupting. It throws a lot of lava rocks at him, but Mother Nature's aim is pretty shitty, so he escapes again.

She says, "Well fuck that!" and zips a huge cloud of smoke after him, which he avoids nicely for a while, until he decides to stop again and let it catch up. But of course, they get a bigger plane and outrun that bitch one mo' time.

I've never seen a more empty movie.

Finally, the boobie prize for Most Disappointing Movie of the Year goes to Public Enemies.

Man, how could this movie have been this boring?

The guy made Heat, Collateral, and Last of the Mohicans. He had just made a shitty movie- Miami Vice. And yet, Michael Mann once again drops the ball on a potentially awesome movie.

Not one cool bank robbery- in fact, we pick up the story at the end for some reason, once Johnny's lost his interest. He's got a lame, kinda busted love interest that adds half an hour to the movie.

My favorite nonsense part of the movie is when Christian Bale hires three bad ass special ops lawmen to come help him, and then after meeting them at the train station, and seeing how sweet their moustaches are, they disappear from the rest of the movie.

And why did he shoot a period movie in digital video? It looks like a student film half the time, especially at night. I respect the hustle, but give us a good movie to go with it.

Just another movie I couldn't wait to be over.

Finally, I'm disappointed that Old Dogs was not a box office success. What the fuck is wrong with you, America? You go see Wild Hogs and not Old Dogs? Well, look what happens. Now they cancelled Wild Hogs 2 AND the new Robin Williams movie, Wedding Banned. Thanks a lot, assholes.

2010, you better step your game up.