Identifying bad Nic Cage movies...

Now we have had a lot of Nic Cage talk here this week, and I will admit not all Cage movies are bad....

That being said let me pass along a guide to help you identify when you are sitting through an awful cage experience. Because as we know, there are always a lot of rerun cage movies on. Here we go....

1. If the movie's main character travels back in time to re-do their past. You are probably watching a bad Nic Cage movie.

2. If the other Main Character in the movie is Cher, you are definitely watching a bad Cage movie.

3. If cage is playing a secret service agent, you are watching a bad Cage movie.

4. If the cast includes Rosie Perez, and she is a waitress that gets a share of a winning lottery ticket. You are watching a really bad cage movie.

5. If you find out that Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey are Cage's brothers in the movie, gouge your eyes out, because you are watching a bad cage movie.

6. If Nic Cage plays an Angel and Goo Goo dolls writes the theme song to the movie.. you are in movie hell.

7. If Nic cage is trying to speak with an accent and says lines like... "If this thing goes bad, Larkin, I don't think my daughter will... understand. If you speak to my wife again, you tell her: that I love her. She's my hummin'bird. But, I couldn't leave a fallen man behind. You'll do that for me, won't you, Larkin?" Then Cage has ruined an otherwise good movie.

8. In fact if Nic has hair longer than 3 inches on his head, best avoid his acting.

9. If Cage is searching out snuff films, you just wasted 2 hours of your life.

10. If Angelina Jolie make out scene can not save the movie you are watching, you are probably watching a bad Cage film.

11. if the tag line fir the movie is "What if you made different choices? What if you said yes, instead of no? What if you got a second chance?" you still have a chance to avoid this atrocious Cage film. Change the channel before Cage goes back in time to be a Family man.

12. Avoid any Cage movie in which he plays a musical instrument.

13. If Nicholas Cage gets blasted and falls to the ground, wounded. Then, a group of Japanese soldiers start running towards him, but Nic manages to kill them all in one second... Using one gun... Without even aiming. All while protecting a native American in WWII...

14. If the movie resembles a bad Indiana Jones rip off and Cage is spouting lines like "I would never use the Declaration of Independence as a bargaining chip" you're watching a bad Cage movie.

15. When people are over heard saying they would rather sit through Glitter than watch the movie (wicker man) you are about to watch, chances are you are watching a bad Nic Cage movie.

16. If Nic cage turns into a flaming Skeleton...

17. If Nic cage can see into the future, and the movie involves French terrorists... What?!?!?!?

18. If Nic Cage plays an retiring hit man headed for one last job in Bangkok, you are probably trying to cure your insomnia.

So let me say that while The Sorcerer's apprentice breaks many of these guidelines for Cage films, including the length of his hair. We will have to see if he can get some of that Disney magic and make a watchable movie.