The Best of TV's Pay Channels

Other correspondents of the BRM have covered the film genre. Dutch has given us the best and worst of this year's movies, but it's time to move on to another medium, Television. TV has come a long way since the days of the A-Team and Charlie's Angels.

This no longer passes for drama. Only comedy.

Budgets keep getting bigger and special effects are getting cheaper. With the advancement of HBO and Showtime's TV series, we as viewers have been introduced to a new style of TV show. No ads, no censorship and no long-term commitments attract bigger name actors which means we all win. For those of you looking to sample the best of what HBO and Showtime have to offer, here are my top 5 of TV shows you may have missed by being a cheap bastard and only buying basic cable.

Better learn how to steal some premium channels.

I'll be judging the shows on 3 criteria:

1. Bingability- How much of this show you can watch. Is it a once a week type affair? Or can you sit back on a rainy day and bust through 6 straight hours without blinking an eye? This is a key factor in TV enjoyment.

2. The Hot Chick Factor- We love to watch beautiful people. Call me shallow, but I don't want to watch CSI simply because I'm pretty sure that David Caruso is the leprechaun.

Twins?

Some shows I can watch only because the main girl is amazingly hot. It can carry a bad show, like Friends. We in America love pretty people, especially when they have problems. It just makes TV better.

3. UGH Moments- Unbelievably Goddamn Hokey Moments. Lines like, "..but that kinda stuff only happens in movies, right?" Times where you know you're not watching real people. These moments are the bane of any good TV show; lazy writing. Nothing worse than being able to predict a character's line before it happens. These moments just make me say, "Ugh".

Honorable Mention: Entourage

Starting off easy here. Pretty much everyone has heard of Vinny Chase and his boys' adventures in Hollywood. I give it an honorable mention because it is now on Spike TV and a complete sell out. Still one of the most entertaining shows on TV, if only for Ari's rants. I left it out of the top 5 because this show is basically the Hollywood fantasy show. You can watch any episode in any season and not be lost. There is a plot, but it's pretty irrelevant. We tune in every week during the summer for 20 minutes of the latest Hollywood trends and stars.

Best Episode: The Day Fuckers

Bingability- Very High. These episodes fly by very easily. I'd say the only way to get a good Entourage fix is to rent a DVD and put it on play all. The episodes are so short that it's just a tease to try and watch these once per week.

Hot Chick Factor- Very High. One of the few shows on HBO to take advantage of the nudity, there are lots of hot chicks on this show. This show turned Sloan into a commonly known name. Poor girl, no one knows her real name even though she was rated the #1 most desirable girl this year. For the ladies, come on who couldn't love a face like this..

UGH Moments- Very High. One of the downsides of this show. Guest stars are frequent and always type-cast. We rarely see any groundbreaking acting on this show. Vinny bangs chicks, Turtle gets high, Johnny goes crazy and E whines. Shake, Stir and Repeat for 6 seasons.

#5 Eastbound and Down

He's fuckin' in. Kenny Powers replaced Colonel Sanders as my favorite bearded redneck. This show mixes Danny McBride's loud, filthy mouth and overblown confidence with a perfectly clashable lower-middle class neighborhood. If you even kinda liked Pineapple Express than you will thoroughly enjoy Eastbound and Down.

Best Episode: Chapter 3

Bingability- Low. Unfortunately there are only 6 episodes of this show. There are rumors that there could be more, but for now, we have to do with the 3 hour glimpse into this hilariousness. Once you've seen it, that's all you need.

Hot Chick Factor- Also Low. Despite a few glimpses of naked flesh, most of it gross, there are surprisingly few attractive people on this show. Starting with Kenny, who looks like a cross between Joe Dirt and John Belushi, and ending with his female interest, a chubbier Leah Remini, this show is full of uggos. This doesn't hamper the comedy, but it is slightly disappointing. For the ladies, Craig Robinson?

Ohhh, he's so handsome.

UGH Moments: Low. This show thrives on unpredictability. I couldn't have predicted the ending with a million guesses. The cuts between episodes were unlike anything I've ever seen. This is pretty much a movie cut into 6 hilarious parts.

#4 Weeds

Actually pronounced "WHWeeds", this show catalogues the lives of the Botwins. Most notably Nancy Botwin, a suburban, single mom, pot dealer. Much like Entourage, even though Nancy is the main character, she is also the least interesting. Side characters like Kevin Nealon as Doug and Nancy's brother in-law, Andy are what really sets this show apart. Blending comedy with drama, this show has something for everyone. The later seasons start to drag when Mexicans are thrown into the mix, but this show is still one of the best around. Watch this show and tell me you don't like Shane, I'll call shinangins. That kid makes Dennis the Menace look like a chump.

Best Episode: The Punishment Light

Bingability- High. These DVD's go down easier than White Castle. I found myself flying through DVD's when I first started watching this show. Good cliffhangers, teen drama, drug dealing, this show covers all interests, making it like crack on a lazy Sunday, and who doesn't love crack?

Hot Chick Factor- Some people knock Mary Louise Parker for her lazy eye.

Personally, I think it's hot in a Clarrissa Explains it All type of way. Irregardless, there is plenty of eye candy on this show. Andy's love interests always get naked and even Silas brings in some tail. For the ladies, who doesn't want to see a shirtless Kevin Nealon? Who?

Not Kevin Nealon? Oh well, close enough.

UGH Moments- Cliched moments are covered up with good writing. We've seen teenage pregnancy, especially in Gloucester, but hearing that the girl probably sucked the condom off doggystyle with strong kegel muscles, is something that you haven't heard on TV.

Kegel (it's a real term, google it, it's kinda gross/awesome NSFW)

#3 Dexter

I just recently discovered this one. Dexter is the story of serial killer Dexter Morgan as he murders his way through Miami. Dark, twisted and addicting this became one of my favorite shows of this year. Unlike Weeds and Entourage, this show gets better from season to season. This show does a really good job of making you look at something, murder, and looking at in a way you never thought possible.

Best Episode: Crocodile

Bingability- Variable. You can watch an entire season in a day, then wait a full year before moving on to the next. When I first started this show, I watched it so much that I started narrating my life like Dexter. I thought I had a "Dark Passenger" living in my head giving me advice, but then I realized it was BG and other people could hear him too. Phew.

You all see the guy on the left too, right?

Hot Chick Factor- Variable. Dexter has a few female characters that are pretty attractive, his girlfriend Rita is pretty smoking, but nothing amazing. This show is full of pretty people, but due to the dark nature of the show, you don't really want to see any of them naked. For the ladies, Dexter could be attractive, but watching him decapitate endless amounts of people is probably a turn-off, or a turn-on for those darker girls. Note: don't ever watch 6 Feet Under, you'll never get the image of Gay Dexter out of your head.

Doakes?

UGH Moments- Variable. Dexter will pull out James Bond like puns, " He needs to be cut out of the picture" , etc. But it balances out with the plot twists. This show has kept me guessing from season to season. The style changes every season and 95% of the time I didn't see the ending coming. This show's writing has really kept the original hook fresh when it could have gotten stale real quick.

#2 Californication

Showtime's best show. David Duchovny has come a long way since the X-Files. This show follows Duchovny as burn-out writer Hank Moody as he adventures through the playground that is LA. A borderline sexual deviant, Moody is Vinny Chase on crack. He is the ultimate player. This show has 3 available seasons and each is a different view on the same guy. We love him one second then hate him the next. Side characters help to turn Hank's appearance as a glorified Playboy into that of a good friend, father and citizen. Could be the most consistently funny show on TV.

Best Episode: The Apartment

Bingability- High, this show goes down easier than Hank's ladies. Seasons always fly by and always leave the viewer wanting more. This is one of the few shows that I can watch either once a week or for 12 hours straight. Hank is good when you're feeling up and want a laugh or when you're feeling low and want a fellow low life to drink whiskey with.

Hot Chick Factor- Pinnacle. There is no better for eye candy than this show. There is ample nudity from the first episode on. He bangs 4 chicks, very classy like though, in the first episode! And that is something that doesn't change. This show started many hot chicks careers. For the ladies, Hank Moody is quite the charmer.

UGH Moments- Non-existent. For a show about a writer, this show knows its roots. The writing is top notch. Some of Hank's one liners had me laughing for hours. Perfectly timed and quick, Hank's humor is for everyone. Even the forced typical situations are spun in a way never before seen. I can't say enough about the hilariousness of this show.

#1 Flight of the Conchords

The Pinnacle. It was sadly announced recently that after 2 amazing seasons, Flight of the Conchords will not be returning. Therefore I urge you all to go out and watch this show in its entirety. Written by the actors in it, this show blends music and humor in a way never before seen on TV. With a british Office-like subtle humor, this show quietly makes you laugh out loud. Bret and Jemaine are two lovable goofballs in New Zealands fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk duo, Flight of the Conchords.

Fun Fact: the guy who helped them write the second season is going to be directing the new Muppet Movie written by Jason Segel.

Best Episode: Mugged

Bingability- High. This show is addictive and perfect for a "fuck it" type of mood. The plot travels from episode to episode but is not really important, except for running jokes which manage to get funnier every time. It's highly re-watchable due to the amazing musical numbers which are not only catchy, but also insanely hilarious. Some of the jokes are so quiet and subtle that it takes a while to catch them all. This show hits its stride in the 2nd season with some of the best musical parodies ever. Weird Al should take lessons.

For the ladies, and Sam Bourneuf

Hot Chick Factor- Low. There are a few love interests here and there, but nothing too racy. This show is more about subtle, quiet natured comedy rather than the shock and awe of the others. Bret's scared approach to women is a refreshing break from the sex filled Hollywood shows that usually fill up prime time, like Cougar Town. For the ladies, Murray.

Oh yeah.

UGH Moments- Rare. Flight of the Conchords manages to use it's New Zealand natives as a viewing glass into modern culture. The two main characters are our unbiased view of everything in New York. These two don't understand cliches so they are usable and hilarious. Adding the slight twang of a New Zealand accent to certain words makes them funny. I can't understand why they'd stop this show in it's prime, but I respect them for going out on top.

2 words. Classy.

It must be Borno's lucky day.